You Want Us On That Wall

So the United States is engaged in torture at Guantanamo Bay? Prove it. Define torture?

The United Nations released a report Thursday that called on the US to refrain from practices that “amount to torture.” The report summarized an investigation by five U.N. experts was based on photographic evidence and the testimony of former prisoners.

Among their findings:

That detainees were shackled, chained, hooded, and beaten if they resisted.

That interrogation techniques--using dogs, exposure to extreme temperatures, sleep deprivation, and prolonged isolation—caused extreme suffering and amounted to torture.

It also suggested, shockingly, that the “persons held at Guantanamo Bay are entitled to challenge the legality of their detention before a judicial body.” That right is currently suspended.

The US holds about 500 men at Guantanamo, accused of having terrorist ties. Only about 10 have been charged since the detention camp opened.

Rather then address the report’s findings the White House released its own attack dog: Scott McClellan.

“You want us on that wall and you need us on that wall,” he barked to reporters.

He grew more defiant as the press conference went on.

“We live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Brian Williams? The existence of Gitmo, while grotesque and incomprehensible to the rest of the world, saves lives.”

“I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of freedom we provide, then questions the manner in which we provide it. I’d prefer you just said, ‘thank you’ and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post.”

McClellan then barred his teeth, white like fence posts all in a row. He bit down angrily on the podium, tore a chunk off and spit it out. “That’s what I think of these questions. You want answers? You think you’re entitled? You want the truth?” He asked. “You can’t handle the truth.”

He dashed off into the crowd and ran amok downtown—torching a KFC--before handlers were able to restrain him.

In other news the Winter Olympics are more boring than networks ever could have feared.

Protestors Raze KFC

There were more violent cartoon protests in Pakistan today as thousands took to the streets of Lahore. It was the worst violence against the cartoons depicting Muhammad. At least two people were killed and 11 injured. Protesters burned down a hotel, two banks, and a KFC.

Boy, KFC really can’t catch a break can it?

Pakistni authorities are investigating the motive directed at the purveyor of chicken which prepared in a mix of 11 delicious herbs and spices (available in either Regular or Extra Crispy).

Actual Headline: Cheney Shoots Friend

Vice President Dick Cheney was once again unable to determine who the real enemy was as he sprayed friend Harry Wittington with shotgun pellets on a recent hunting trip. Wittington was flown to Christus Spohn Hospital Memorial (say that five times fast) after Cheney accidentally shot him late Saturday afternoon at the Armstrong Ranch.

Details of the accident are sparse, but a popular internet theory is that Cheney was trying out a new robotic hand, or some type of claw, and pinched the shotgun trigger when he should have released the grip. It is widely assumed on the internets that at this point Cheney is more machine than man.

“Those robotic claws they use these days, they’re very tricky,” conspiracy theorist Brian Wallace explained. “Your brain says to relax and your hand squeezes. Personally, I think Cheney has a whole briefcase full of different types of robotic hands.”

Another theory was that Cheney someohow suspected Wittington as being an imminent threat to his safety. "It is not beyond the Vice President to shoot first and ask questions later" a close source commented. "He would much rather launch a preemptive attack than be attacked himself. Perhaps, again, he was the victim of shoddy intel?"

Wallace continued, “Have you seen Cheney lately? He’s all hunched over, twisted up like an old oak tree. That could be due to the rocket pack implant in his back, manipulating his steel spine under the weight of it.”

Wittington will not comment on the incident out of respect for Cheney. But, personally, I hope conversations are going like this.

Wittington: “The Dick shot me. We refer to him affectionately as The Dick. Or even, sometimes, The Big Dick. He’s a big player you know. The Big Fucking Dick shot me. Haha.”

One can only imagine and luckily it is my job to conjecture madly. Personally, I think operating a firearm is the last thing the Vice President should be doing. He certainly doesn't know where to put the US military, much less make a snap decision about where to shoot his gun. This is the same man who has heart attacks while on one of the most relaxing jobs in the world: US Vice President, and he thinks he can go hunting?

Since the incident Cheney has been moved to an undisclosed location.

State of the Union Headlines

2002: Bush Confident Despite Mounting Challenges

2003: Bush Confident Despite Mounting Challenges

2004: Bush Confident Despite Mounting Challenges

2005: Bush Confident Despite Mounting Challenges

2006: Bush Confident Despite Mounting Challenges

White House Opens Fire on the Swiss

Are you a neutral Swiss coward? You may be next in line for a White House character assassination.

While attempting to reshape the Mid-East in his image, Bush opened up a new front against those lazy, apathetic Europeans. You’ve probably heard of the War on Terror, but did you know about the secret War on dissenters using common European stereotypes as a weapon? The tip of the spear on this offensive front is White House spokesman, and three-time Steve Mariucci look-alike champion, Scott McClellan. Also deployed on this front is the White House’s character assassination unit: The Republican National Committee.

The Bush administration started dropping European Stereotype Bombs in conjunction with smart bombs on Iraq, in a closely coordinated effort, targeting Iraq war foes as “French.” The administration used this weapon to maximum effect, obliterating any whisp of pro-France sympathies, leading zealots to even boycott French toast and French fries. It also sent Democrats running into their bunkers. No one wanted to be labeled as "French." In the wake of such stunning success The White House has now opened a new salvo of bunker buster proportions, labeling certain Democrats as “Davos Democrats”—turning the Swiss resort town into the butt of an insult.

One of the first targets was, predictably, Senator John Kerry, typically used as a training dummy for RNC character assassination tactics. Kerry was in Davos Thursday when he urged the Senate to use a filibuster against Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito.

McClellan deftly retorted, “This was the first time ever that a Senator has called for a filibuster from the slopes of Davos, Switzerland.” And then he moved in for the kill saying, “I think even for a Senator, it takes some pretty serious yodeling to call for a filibuster from a five-star ski resort in the Swiss Alps.”

Kerry was in Davos at the World Economic Forum, along other senators and senior Bush administration officials.

Since the initial Kerry assault, Democrats Harry Reid, and Dianne Feinstein have also received attacks, being branded with the Davos label.

“The opening move on Kerry was so effective we decided to use our new weapon in wider use,” a senior administration official commented. “Although, that’s not saying much, is it? I mean destroying Kerry’s character isn’t much harder than waging war against 3rd world countries.”

This represents a new phase in the administration's attempt to gain as much political might as it can out of old European stereotypes.

Another White House official explained: “First, we had the French. They’re so easy. Anyone not in favor of war can be easily labeled as ‘French.’ Now we have the Swiss. Those rich, neutral, skiers--one could almost call them the original Democrat. It’s like the Swiss were invented for this use."

The exasperated Democrats debated on labeling the Bush Administration as aggressive Germans, but after initial polling it was found that the decisive, fascist label actually turned into a positive for Republicans.

One Democratic strategist revealed: "We tried referring to the Bush Administration as a blitzkrieg, we talked about their Gestapo tactics, we pointed out their imperialistic ideals, their civil rights bending, flag waving, goose stepping, save the fatherland attitude, and every time we did their poll numbers actually went up!"

"We plan on using every European country we can, their stereotypes are our political gain," a confident RNC member stated. "You want 'shock and awe'? Just wait until we start using Poland."

L. Jackson Arrives

Today, actor Samuel L. Jackson left his hand-print in concrete and took his rightful place among giants Pat Sajak, Big Bird and Pee Wee Herman on Hollywood's Walk of Fame.

"It's about fucking time" he quipped while smiling for the cameras and adoring fans. "What the fuck took you people so long? Was it 'The Man'? Did that slow the process down? Shit, you guys let Sajak on here. I was about to start kicking some ass. Now when someone gets loaded and urinates on Hollywood Boulevard, maybe my star will be covered in piss."

The crowed cheered Jackson, wearing his signature backwards beret and black leather and sunglasses, as he planted his hands into the still-wet concrete and mugged for the camera. He then took out a purple light saber and pretended he was a Jedi.

"First that dream came true--I always wanted to be a Jedi--and now this," he explained. "They go hand-in-hand as far as I'm concerned. You don't like it? You can go to hell. You hear me?"

Learn How To Love, Quick!

Valentine's Day is approaching. If you're incapable of love, like me, disregard this blog. For the rest of you, take heed.

When it comes to romance, women prefer someone who tickles their funny bone while men opt for those who catch their eye, according to an international survey released on Wednesday. Check it out.

In Oprah We Trust

This column does not bear Oprah's gold seal. She does not heartily endorse this event or product. Her gold seal is only let to superior products worthy for her ravenous fan-base to consume.

Why don't I like Oprah? I guess I don't really have a problem with Oprah as much as the millions of people who watch her, idolize her, and erect her as high priestess of our culture.

This never struck me more as it did last week when Oprah did an about-face on former "book club" author James Frey who wrote a true life account of drug abuse, violence and redemption. The book "A Million Little Pieces" served as an inspiration for many and literally sold millions thanks to Oprah's inclusion in her book club. Unfortunately the book was a great work of fiction.

The Smoking Gun (www.thesmokinggun.com) broke news that many of the "facts" or "scenes" in the book were highly questionable. Thousands sprang to Frey's defense, most notably Oprah herself on "Larry King Live". She declared, "What is relevant is that Frey was a drug addict..and stepped out of that history to be the man he is today, and to take that message to save other people." The whole controversy was dismissed as much to do about nothing.

No, what is relevant was that the book was fabricated. Lying about real life, and using that as a vehicle to sell millions of books, is not "nothing." The tide turned and Oprah had a change of heart. She invited Frey onto her show to discuss the allegations and the book. Oprah then opened up a salvo on the author who sat on the couch looking forlorn putting up a rope-a-dope style defense. Oprah told him that she felt "duped" after he admitted that he had fabricated most of the story.

Duped, like us all. Although for Oprah I doubt ratings have been much higher.

I don't expect Oprah to research every fact in every book she puts on her book club. It is certainly not her fault that this author stepped into a vacuum of satisfaction and delivered a product of fiction billed as truth that inspired millions. My issues with Oprah are not that her seal of approval on a book sends millions off to buy it and read it. My issues are not that Oprah has made millions of dollars of other people's need for clarity and inspiration. My issue is with the millions of people who seem to let Oprah do most of their heavy thinking for them.

I would hope that this example would caution people from just simply consuming what ever someone like Oprah puts in front of them. But it wont. In the wake of the Frey fallout, Oprah announced her latest monthly selection: Elie Wiesel's "Night", which was immediately vaulted to the top of the best-seller list. "Night" is a first-hand account of World War II Nazi death camps written from Wiesel's perspective as a Jewish child in those camps. And, unlike Frey's book, the accounts are true. The book has inspired millions and has indicted those perpetrate similar atrocities precisely because it is true. Wiesel has been a champion of human rights and has been awarded the Nobel Piece Prize.

I find it disheartening that such a wonderful and compelling book, by a true hero, needs Oprah's seal of approval before millions will read it. Now it bears her shiny gold stamp on the cover and apparently it is acceptable for the masses. And it will be consumed and digested like fast food, and then Oprah will announce her next book, and that will be consumed in the same way. The fact that people readily drew inspiration from "A Million Little Pieces" had as much to do with Oprah's blessing as it did from the fact that people feel these books should change them.

Perhaps you've heard of Pat's Law: Trust is the basis for failure. And the Frey debacle illustrated this for me. One minute he's a hero to millions of Oprah fans, and the next she is boxing his ears because he has misled everyone. My advice: figure out what you want to read for yourself. "Night" should have been on that list a long time ago. That book is greater than Oprah, her book club, or her fans.

Top Five Songs I Want At My Funeral

Scientists report the Earth’s albedo is increasing, and they don’t know why. Albedo is the amount of sunlight the Earth reflects back into space. The proof is all there, the evidence is inconclusive: like the national debt, since 2000 albedo is on the rise. Crying won’t help you. Prayer won’t do you no good.

First I had to do battle with yesterday being the most depressing day of the year, and now this? I decided to stop fighting it and my thoughts turned to my own death. I scrawled out the top five songs I would like played at my funeral and they are:

"Feeling Stronger Every Day" - Chicago
"Cocaine" - Eric Clapton
"Burning Down the House" - Talking Heads
"Tomorrow Never Knows" - The Beatles
"Lie in our Graves" - Dave Matthews Band

Scientists have also discovered an earth-like planet outside of our solar system. And by "earth-like" they mean it is much, much larger than the earth, has no life, and orbits a normal star. The newfound planet, given the catchy name OGLE-2005-BLG-390lbs, is probably too cold to support life as we know it, but scientists would not rule out the possibility that a race of super intelligent ice people may be already plotting our destruction from their secret ice chambers.

Happy 65th Birthday Neil Diamond