You Want Us On That Wall

So the United States is engaged in torture at Guantanamo Bay? Prove it. Define torture?

The United Nations released a report Thursday that called on the US to refrain from practices that “amount to torture.” The report summarized an investigation by five U.N. experts was based on photographic evidence and the testimony of former prisoners.

Among their findings:

That detainees were shackled, chained, hooded, and beaten if they resisted.

That interrogation techniques--using dogs, exposure to extreme temperatures, sleep deprivation, and prolonged isolation—caused extreme suffering and amounted to torture.

It also suggested, shockingly, that the “persons held at Guantanamo Bay are entitled to challenge the legality of their detention before a judicial body.” That right is currently suspended.

The US holds about 500 men at Guantanamo, accused of having terrorist ties. Only about 10 have been charged since the detention camp opened.

Rather then address the report’s findings the White House released its own attack dog: Scott McClellan.

“You want us on that wall and you need us on that wall,” he barked to reporters.

He grew more defiant as the press conference went on.

“We live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Brian Williams? The existence of Gitmo, while grotesque and incomprehensible to the rest of the world, saves lives.”

“I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of freedom we provide, then questions the manner in which we provide it. I’d prefer you just said, ‘thank you’ and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post.”

McClellan then barred his teeth, white like fence posts all in a row. He bit down angrily on the podium, tore a chunk off and spit it out. “That’s what I think of these questions. You want answers? You think you’re entitled? You want the truth?” He asked. “You can’t handle the truth.”

He dashed off into the crowd and ran amok downtown—torching a KFC--before handlers were able to restrain him.

In other news the Winter Olympics are more boring than networks ever could have feared.