Tuesday, January 31, 2006

White House Opens Fire on the Swiss

Are you a neutral Swiss coward? You may be next in line for a White House character assassination.

While attempting to reshape the Mid-East in his image, Bush opened up a new front against those lazy, apathetic Europeans. You’ve probably heard of the War on Terror, but did you know about the secret War on dissenters using common European stereotypes as a weapon? The tip of the spear on this offensive front is White House spokesman, and three-time Steve Mariucci look-alike champion, Scott McClellan. Also deployed on this front is the White House’s character assassination unit: The Republican National Committee.

The Bush administration started dropping European Stereotype Bombs in conjunction with smart bombs on Iraq, in a closely coordinated effort, targeting Iraq war foes as “French.” The administration used this weapon to maximum effect, obliterating any whisp of pro-France sympathies, leading zealots to even boycott French toast and French fries. It also sent Democrats running into their bunkers. No one wanted to be labeled as "French." In the wake of such stunning success The White House has now opened a new salvo of bunker buster proportions, labeling certain Democrats as “Davos Democrats”—turning the Swiss resort town into the butt of an insult.

One of the first targets was, predictably, Senator John Kerry, typically used as a training dummy for RNC character assassination tactics. Kerry was in Davos Thursday when he urged the Senate to use a filibuster against Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito.

McClellan deftly retorted, “This was the first time ever that a Senator has called for a filibuster from the slopes of Davos, Switzerland.” And then he moved in for the kill saying, “I think even for a Senator, it takes some pretty serious yodeling to call for a filibuster from a five-star ski resort in the Swiss Alps.”

Kerry was in Davos at the World Economic Forum, along other senators and senior Bush administration officials.

Since the initial Kerry assault, Democrats Harry Reid, and Dianne Feinstein have also received attacks, being branded with the Davos label.

“The opening move on Kerry was so effective we decided to use our new weapon in wider use,” a senior administration official commented. “Although, that’s not saying much, is it? I mean destroying Kerry’s character isn’t much harder than waging war against 3rd world countries.”

This represents a new phase in the administration's attempt to gain as much political might as it can out of old European stereotypes.

Another White House official explained: “First, we had the French. They’re so easy. Anyone not in favor of war can be easily labeled as ‘French.’ Now we have the Swiss. Those rich, neutral, skiers--one could almost call them the original Democrat. It’s like the Swiss were invented for this use."

The exasperated Democrats debated on labeling the Bush Administration as aggressive Germans, but after initial polling it was found that the decisive, fascist label actually turned into a positive for Republicans.

One Democratic strategist revealed: "We tried referring to the Bush Administration as a blitzkrieg, we talked about their Gestapo tactics, we pointed out their imperialistic ideals, their civil rights bending, flag waving, goose stepping, save the fatherland attitude, and every time we did their poll numbers actually went up!"

"We plan on using every European country we can, their stereotypes are our political gain," a confident RNC member stated. "You want 'shock and awe'? Just wait until we start using Poland."

Monday, January 30, 2006

L. Jackson Arrives

Today, actor Samuel L. Jackson left his hand-print in concrete and took his rightful place among giants Pat Sajak, Big Bird and Pee Wee Herman on Hollywood's Walk of Fame.

"It's about fucking time" he quipped while smiling for the cameras and adoring fans. "What the fuck took you people so long? Was it 'The Man'? Did that slow the process down? Shit, you guys let Sajak on here. I was about to start kicking some ass. Now when someone gets loaded and urinates on Hollywood Boulevard, maybe my star will be covered in piss."

The crowed cheered Jackson, wearing his signature backwards beret and black leather and sunglasses, as he planted his hands into the still-wet concrete and mugged for the camera. He then took out a purple light saber and pretended he was a Jedi.

"First that dream came true--I always wanted to be a Jedi--and now this," he explained. "They go hand-in-hand as far as I'm concerned. You don't like it? You can go to hell. You hear me?"

Learn How To Love, Quick!

Valentine's Day is approaching. If you're incapable of love, like me, disregard this blog. For the rest of you, take heed.

When it comes to romance, women prefer someone who tickles their funny bone while men opt for those who catch their eye, according to an international survey released on Wednesday. Check it out.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

In Oprah We Trust

This column does not bear Oprah's gold seal. She does not heartily endorse this event or product. Her gold seal is only let to superior products worthy for her ravenous fan-base to consume.

Why don't I like Oprah? I guess I don't really have a problem with Oprah as much as the millions of people who watch her, idolize her, and erect her as high priestess of our culture.

This never struck me more as it did last week when Oprah did an about-face on former "book club" author James Frey who wrote a true life account of drug abuse, violence and redemption. The book "A Million Little Pieces" served as an inspiration for many and literally sold millions thanks to Oprah's inclusion in her book club. Unfortunately the book was a great work of fiction.

The Smoking Gun (www.thesmokinggun.com) broke news that many of the "facts" or "scenes" in the book were highly questionable. Thousands sprang to Frey's defense, most notably Oprah herself on "Larry King Live". She declared, "What is relevant is that Frey was a drug addict..and stepped out of that history to be the man he is today, and to take that message to save other people." The whole controversy was dismissed as much to do about nothing.

No, what is relevant was that the book was fabricated. Lying about real life, and using that as a vehicle to sell millions of books, is not "nothing." The tide turned and Oprah had a change of heart. She invited Frey onto her show to discuss the allegations and the book. Oprah then opened up a salvo on the author who sat on the couch looking forlorn putting up a rope-a-dope style defense. Oprah told him that she felt "duped" after he admitted that he had fabricated most of the story.

Duped, like us all. Although for Oprah I doubt ratings have been much higher.

I don't expect Oprah to research every fact in every book she puts on her book club. It is certainly not her fault that this author stepped into a vacuum of satisfaction and delivered a product of fiction billed as truth that inspired millions. My issues with Oprah are not that her seal of approval on a book sends millions off to buy it and read it. My issues are not that Oprah has made millions of dollars of other people's need for clarity and inspiration. My issue is with the millions of people who seem to let Oprah do most of their heavy thinking for them.

I would hope that this example would caution people from just simply consuming what ever someone like Oprah puts in front of them. But it wont. In the wake of the Frey fallout, Oprah announced her latest monthly selection: Elie Wiesel's "Night", which was immediately vaulted to the top of the best-seller list. "Night" is a first-hand account of World War II Nazi death camps written from Wiesel's perspective as a Jewish child in those camps. And, unlike Frey's book, the accounts are true. The book has inspired millions and has indicted those perpetrate similar atrocities precisely because it is true. Wiesel has been a champion of human rights and has been awarded the Nobel Piece Prize.

I find it disheartening that such a wonderful and compelling book, by a true hero, needs Oprah's seal of approval before millions will read it. Now it bears her shiny gold stamp on the cover and apparently it is acceptable for the masses. And it will be consumed and digested like fast food, and then Oprah will announce her next book, and that will be consumed in the same way. The fact that people readily drew inspiration from "A Million Little Pieces" had as much to do with Oprah's blessing as it did from the fact that people feel these books should change them.

Perhaps you've heard of Pat's Law: Trust is the basis for failure. And the Frey debacle illustrated this for me. One minute he's a hero to millions of Oprah fans, and the next she is boxing his ears because he has misled everyone. My advice: figure out what you want to read for yourself. "Night" should have been on that list a long time ago. That book is greater than Oprah, her book club, or her fans.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Top Five Songs I Want At My Funeral

Scientists report the Earth’s albedo is increasing, and they don’t know why. Albedo is the amount of sunlight the Earth reflects back into space. The proof is all there, the evidence is inconclusive: like the national debt, since 2000 albedo is on the rise. Crying won’t help you. Prayer won’t do you no good.

First I had to do battle with yesterday being the most depressing day of the year, and now this? I decided to stop fighting it and my thoughts turned to my own death. I scrawled out the top five songs I would like played at my funeral and they are:

"Feeling Stronger Every Day" - Chicago
"Cocaine" - Eric Clapton
"Burning Down the House" - Talking Heads
"Tomorrow Never Knows" - The Beatles
"Lie in our Graves" - Dave Matthews Band

Scientists have also discovered an earth-like planet outside of our solar system. And by "earth-like" they mean it is much, much larger than the earth, has no life, and orbits a normal star. The newfound planet, given the catchy name OGLE-2005-BLG-390lbs, is probably too cold to support life as we know it, but scientists would not rule out the possibility that a race of super intelligent ice people may be already plotting our destruction from their secret ice chambers.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Happy 65th Birthday Neil Diamond

Jerk of the Week

Our Jerk of the Week goes to high-school teacher John Kelly of the Beaver Falls Area School District in Pennsylvania.

He has been awarded for humiliating 17 year-old Joshua Vannoy who wore a Broncos jersey to his ethnicity class.

The Steelers beat the Broncos on Sunday.

Kelly called Vannoy a "stinking Denver fan" and forced him to take a test while sitting on the floor while students threw wadded up paper at him.

"If he felt uncomfortable, then that's a lesson; that's what [the class] is designed to do," Kelly told The Denver Post. "It was silly fun. I can't believe he was upset."

Giving Mr. Kelly the benefit of the doubt, perhaps the lesson was about how it feels to be in a different ethnic group: the fear and anxiety it causes when you are the minority in a demographic hostile towards you. But another important lesson is empathy, the lack of which is the root of violence aimed at minority ethnic groups. Humiliation is all too common in our society and high school, but empathy, as demonstrated by Mr. Kelly, seems to be in short supply. While humiliating a student may be a lot of fun for the teacher and other students in the class, and while it may even teach a lesson, I think the negative impact speaks for itself.

Teachers have to go through a pretty rigorous training process, and yet how do we end up with someone like Kelly teaching your kids? A teacher's primary role should be about educating and empowering. But how many teachers did I have whose primary concern was being dynamic and popular while actually making sure students learned anything was an afterthought. If my son were treated like this at school I'd be down there the next day to talk to Mr. Kelly myself.

For using a position of power to destroy a student in front of his peers, John Kelly wins our Jerk of the Week award.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Rove 'Puts On A Show' at the RNC

Karl Rove made a surprise appearance last Friday at the Republican National Committee.
An RNC member, who was live-blogging the event for his site Blogs for Bush, declared “Karl Rove is in the house!!!” He then had to excuse himself for a few minutes while he pounded one out.

Yes, Rove is back, after months of staying out of the spotlight amid scrutiny in the CIA leak investigation. He is back to show the Republicans the way to pay dirt, again, in the 2006 elections, attempting to lead them to their third consecutive electoral victory in as many tries.

“Just give me the ball,” he said, moments before taking the floor. “Just feed it to me inside and I’ll take it to the hole.”

Rove looked rested and in great shape as he bobbed his head from side to side, dancing on one foot and then the other. He jogged onto the court to a thunderous introduction. Then, in a dramatic display, took an in-bounds pass and executed a behind the back slam dunk causing the capacity crowd of Republicans to erupt.

“It was great. It was so great,” one RNC member commented. “I haven’t been this excited since The Ultimate Warrior made a surprise appearance at Wrestle Mania 6. I was there, man. First that, and now this? Rove, baby. We got Rove. Game over.”

After wowing the crowd with a few more dunks and perfunctory three point shots, he jogged down the tunnel to the locker room, not before tossing his jersey to a young Republican in the stands.

In the post-exhibition press conference Rove was in rare form. “You ever seen the Globetrotters? Well that’s what the Republicans are. We’re the Globetrotters. You hear me? And the Democrats are the Admirals. And you know how that turns out, every time. Just give me the ball, baby. I’m ready.”

He also revealed his new Superman tattoo on his left bicep. “See that there? See that ‘S’? That means I’m powered by the yellow sun, baby. It’s over. I'm the straw that stirs the drink, and I want the Stallion! I want the Stallion!” He pointed into the camera attempting to coax the Democrats out of hiding.

Look for the Republican game plan to include a lot of inside play with Rove pounding and fouling away in the paint at the Democrats. “They’re soft,” he said. “They’re soft on defense. I’m on going to show the world. I’m going to shake up the world, baby.”

The only Democrat who can match Rove’s offensive might is the testy Howard Dean, chairman of the Democratic National Committee. In order for Dean to be effective he will have to kick his nasty habit of fouling out early in the game. He will have to try to guide the Democrats to victory, matching Rove’s cunning and muscle.

Dean spoke to reporters after a recent Democratic practice. “I know I have to keep my cool. They’re going to come at me, inside. They’re going to jab, and elbow, and hack, that’s just how they play. They’re like the Pistons with Bill Lambier. But I’m going to stay calm, find their weakness, and exploit it.”

Yes, this looks to be an intense battle of attrition between a team full of high powered players and home court advantage (The Republicans) and a group of disrespected underdogs with something to prove (The Democrats).

“They’ve got Rove and Cheney. The twin towers. It’s like playing against Shaq and Kareem. They’ll get the ball often, and they’ll just run you over,” commented an energetic Dick Vitale. “The Democrats are going to have to stay out of the inside and work the perimeter. They’re going to have to pass the ball around until they find the hot hand and then let that person take over. You know, just like in that movie, “Hoosiers”, it’s time for the Dems to ruin the picket fence play.”

What this all means in terms of actual political strategy for the Democrats remains anyone’s guess. But limbering up and preparing to do battle are Russ Feingold, Barbara Boxer, and the sweet shooting Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Bush Ready to Take Training Wheels Off

Always trying to come up with new ways to fight terrorism in a post 9/11 world, Republicans have unveiled a bold new strategy:"We tried to spy on Iraq and it just didn't work. Maybe if we spy on Americans we can get some answers." This also in conjunction with the new plan to have the President answer spontaneous questions from actual red blooded Americans rather than lifeless robotic Republican implants.

Yes, in a surprise move President Bush will being taking questions from unscripted audience members. This represents a fundamental shift in Republican strategy, namely that the president will only receive and answers questions he knows are coming in advance. This will be a departure from the heavily scripted speeches that were the norm in 2005 where the president hesitated to speak in front of anyone except soldiers, firemen, and policemen.

This, of course, is an attempt to deal with mounting criticism about the War on Saddam, (previously known as the War on Iraq or the War on Terror) and Bush’s illegal domestic spying program. The Republicans are trying out their new strategy in Kansas where the only people who aren't Republican are the communists and the gays, about 1% of the population. In this new dialogue Bush noted that the failed intelligence that led us into Iraq must be fixed by increasing intelligence. "We tried to spy on Iraq and it just didn't work" he said. "Maybe if we spy on Americans we can get some answers."

This is also amid the emerging link between President Bush and disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff. Although the President says he doesnÂ’t recall ever meeting the convicted lobbyist, the two have turned up in photos together. Noting this, the president admitted he will still take the training wheels off, but will continue to do interviews with a giant plastic and foam safety helmet on.

"Just in case," Bush quipped.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

What I've Learned from Junk Mail

I honestly don't believe I've ever passed on one junk e-mail in my life. Usually, when a "friend" passes me on some junk e-mail (you know who you are) I immediately delete it. But this week I actually tried to read a few. Afterall, these were sent my friends and I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing any important advice.

This one was entitled simply, "Smile". After reading a few lines I decided to try to play "Guess What Type of Person Wrote This Junk". My guesses are in the parenthesis. Let's play:


I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. (...you immediately know already this was written by a housewife who gets no attention (sadly), but let's play on.)

I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. (...still a woman)

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses. (...a disgruntled woman)

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it. (...this made me think it was a man)

I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. (...back to a woman)

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others—they are more screwed up than you think. (...a crazy woman)

I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. (...an even crazier woman)

I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it’s how you take it off. (...definitely a woman, married now)

I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’ve finished. (...I'm leaving this one alone)

I’ve learned not to sweat the petty things and not to pet the sweaty things. (...a woman with a sweaty husband)

I’ve learned that ex’s are like fungus, and keep coming back. (...a married woman remembering a day when she had ex boyfriends)

I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay more maturity (...let’s me know when you get to the mature part)

I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. (...not touching this one)

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities (...a Republican woman)

I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. (...so true!)

I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it. (...a mom)

(Judging by the tone of this junk e-mail, I would say it was written by a Christian housewife aged 30-40. Do I win?)

I just had a junk mail forwarded to me about a Polish man, his American wife, and the conversation they had with a divorce lawyer. It was neither funny nor educational, but it was offensive.

Lawyer: Does your wife beat you up?
Pole: No, I’m always up before her.
Lawyer: Is your wife a nagger?
Pole: No, she is white.
Lawyer: Why do you want this divorce?
Pole: She is going to kill me.
Lawyer: What makes you think that?
Pole: She bought a bottle of “Polish Remover”.

Are you kidding me? Someone actually wrote this and then inflicted it on the populace. And other people actually spread it around. This could have been written by my sister's ex-huaband, easily.

Then, there’s the junk e-mail I received telling the story of a young woman walking home who—of course— had to go down a dark alley. (First of all, what’s with the dark alleys? There are no well-lit routes in these types of stories?) She saw a man at the end of the alley so she started to pray. He let her pass. The next day she read about a woman being raped in that alley just 20 minutes before she had arrived. She went down to the police station and indentified the man who immediately broke down and confessed (yeah, right). When asked why he didn’t rape the young woman too he said “she had two tall men walking on either side of her.” And it concludes with: “The moral of the story? Don’t underestimate the power of prayer! Gives you goose bumps, doesn’t it?”

So, let me get this straight: a woman avoids being raped by praying. Does this give me goosebumps? No, it doesn’t. First of all, for a made up story, this one sucks. Secondly, the implications are frightening. You’re telling me a man rapes a woman in an alley and then waits around for 20 minutes and lets three witnesses walk right past him? You’re telling me women who get raped just haven’t prayed hard enough for Jesus’ protection? You’re telling me prayer can get you out of any bad situation? The next time you're about to walk down a dark alley and fear you may get raped all you have to do is pray? You’re telling me enough people actually enjoyed this story that it eventually got to my inbox?

For every one meaningful e-mail I get from an actual friend who took the time to write me something I probably get five fabricated pieces of shit like this. Here’s a newsflash: you’re not my friend just because you forward me spam. We still haven’t had a conversation in years. Somehow I ended up on your e-mail list and I can’t get off it but I can add you to my spam filter, and I just have.

Can you imagine if real life worked like this?
Me: “Hi, Jim.”
Jim: “Did you hear the one about the Pole, his wife, and the divorce lawyer?”
Me: “Actually, I heard that one last week from Steve…”
Jim: “A pole and his wife meet a divorce lawyer…”
Me: “Jim, I’m deleting you now.”

Actually, it would be kind of nice if I could just label certain people as spammers and just never have to hear from them again. I think it would make work much more enjoyable. Because, really, when you get down to it, that's all some people are: spammers.

Ron: “Let me tell you about the episode of Knight Rider I downloaded last night!”
Me: “Please, no.”
Ron: “Michael and KITT were driving through El Paso…”
Me: “You’ve been blocked. Thank you for playing.

The Dork Three Cubes Down From Mine: "Let me tell you one of my innapropriate sexual jokes."
Me: "You're blocked, try someone else."

My boss: "Would you mind if I say something managerial to you so I can feel like I've done my job today?"
Me: "You've been blocked for six months and I've never been more productive."

What I’ve learned from junk mail is that people are morons. They want to be part of a group so bad they’ll pass on the most inane crap in an attempt to stay connected to someone. My advice: try a real conversation. Be a listener, and not just a producer of bullshit. And if you’re one of the bored, hapless people creating this insane garb please, I beg you, at least put in on a blog rather than a spam e-mail.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Here's Your Sign

I came across this little nuggett linked to www.wonkette.com. It should keep me busy for the rest of the morning. Check it out at:


Of course it reminds me of the 1st Church of Springfield sign.


Happy Friday, people!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

You're Hired! Proceed to Re-education.

Have you ever noticed that the more meaningless your job the longer the job orientation is? The first few jobs I had involved assimilations that lasted days. They consisted of a battery of honesty tests, historical reviews of the company, speeches and even chanting.

Applying for a job at a local department store, the HR woman asked me, a young 16 year-old, “Who are you? What makes you tick? Where do you want to be in five years?” Well, obviously I wanted to be anywhere but there. But I think I blurted out, “I’d like to work my way up to management.” At that point she passed the honesty test across the table.

That interview did not go so well, so I applied at the new Target. That was by far the strangest and most fabricated I’d ever been to. We chanted no less than three times:

Fast! Fun! Friendly!
Fast! Fun! Friendly!
Fast! Fun! Friendly!

Although the atmosphere was supposed to be empowerig, I felt like I was being fitted to man an oar on a modern slave ship. Faster, damn you. Louder! You don’t sound like you’re having fun! Scream it you friendly little monkeys! Don't make me beat this drum faster!

It was a litany unmatched until I joined the Air Force and experienced boot camnp where they run you out of bed every morning at revelry to sing the Air Force fight song.

Of we go into the wild blue yonder.
Climbing high into the sun.

Louder, you maggots! Scream your guts out for Uncle Sam! Don't make me recycle you!

Yes, the Air Force was the longest orientation, lasting six and a half weeks so I could learn the ranking order, and the short history of American air superiority. When they were done breaking my will and rebuilding me into a patriotic zealot they hauled me off to tech school for another three months. The nice thing about the Air Force was that they paid you while they taught you. So, as far as I was concerned, they could take as much time as they needed.

But as my life has progressed up into the wild blue yonder my job responsibilities have increased but my orientations have become almost non existent. I ran this past a friend of mine who is a lawyer. That sounds like a job that involves a lot of responsibility, so much so that you have to go to school for seven years for an entry level position. She said they showed her where her desk was and that was it. I was stunned. No chanting? No video tapes? How about an honesty test?

Why, when I was 16, was I indoctrinated so much more than I am now, at 30? Is it the idea that I can figure out for myself what I’m supposed to do? Is it really true that the more responsible the job the less ramp-up time you receive?

Let’s pretend that the President has the job that involves the most responsibility (i said "pretend"). What type of job interview does it entail? Giving speeches, and raising money? Hardly a thought is even given to qualifications or experience. And then, once elected, what type of adaptation procedure do they under go?

Stand here.
Look official.
Don’t smirk.
Roll you sleeves up.
Stay something bold.
Your vacation time does not roll over. Use it or lose it.

Oh, I’m sure it’s much more complicated than that. After all, the President is responsible for the safety and reputation of three hundred million employers. There’s probably a perfunctory introduction video tape (entitled: So, You’re President?) or some autogenetic chanting (I am The President. El Presidente. Vini Vidi Vici. I am The President...).

But anyway, I’m glad I’ve moved past the orientations. I didn’t need a video to tell me how great Target was. I didn’t need someone to actually explain to me how much fun it was going to be to stock milk in the dairy cooler for six hours. Come on, people, these things are obvious. I’d think it beneath you to hire anyone who could not figure that out for themselves.

And now when I get a job, I get a name plate, I get my own little space where I can put a plant, a computer, there's a coffee maker within a stone's throw, and I get the same intro message the President gets: don't do anything too stupid. We have a good thing going here, just don't break anything ok? Sit here and look professional. I's a good job when the only orientation you need is "For the love of God, just don't download any porn."

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Fulla to Barbie: Get Bent


Is that a toomer? Or did you just ride your harley illegally?


This should be interesting when the guy who has never been to war goes to discredit the vet who is against his war.


Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Los Angeles, 2000

MAKE $1K PER WEEK, the advertisement said. That sounded good to a poor 23 year old in Los Angeles so I dialed the number.

“Hello?” A woman’s voice said on the phone.
“Uh, hi,” I started. “I’m calling about the job in the paper.”
“The interview is at 8 am, Tuesday or Thursday.” She said.

And so Tuesday I got in my car and drove to what was a motel turned office building. I climbed the steps to the second floor and entered the office. I soon discovered that whole thing was some kind of half-assed two day group "interview". A mass sitting in the plastic chairs on the carpet turned and regarded me.

All I remember was we were ushered into the back room one at a time to speak to the head knife guy in a one on one session that lasted about 60 seconds. He perused my resume (judging by the other ‘candidates’ if anything I was overqualified) and then commented on how my shirt wasn't tucked in. He actually said, "Is this how you come to an interview?"

Panic struck me because for a moment I thought I might not be high caliber enough to spend $300 on their display kit of steak knives and then go try to sell such a thing to strangers. No, not really.

And I answered him, honestly, by saying, "The woman on the phone wouldn't even tell me this was an interview" (which was true. I had no idea I'd be there all day 'interviewing'") and he told me to take a seat in the main room (I guess I passed the interview?). Then it was time to read scripts and role play and put people on the spot and scare them into thinking they may not be good enough to make the final cut (pun).

What a joke. And you know what? I think people were actually sitting there going "I'll show this asshole. I'm going to sell more steak knives than anyone in the valley and I'll come back and show that bastard my awards and my money roll." And in some small way, I'll bet that's how a lot of people think while they're at work. "I'll show my asshole boss. I'll work EVEN harder and he'll recognize!"