Monday, February 13, 2006

Actual Headline: Cheney Shoots Friend

Vice President Dick Cheney was once again unable to determine who the real enemy was as he sprayed friend Harry Wittington with shotgun pellets on a recent hunting trip. Wittington was flown to Christus Spohn Hospital Memorial (say that five times fast) after Cheney accidentally shot him late Saturday afternoon at the Armstrong Ranch.

Details of the accident are sparse, but a popular internet theory is that Cheney was trying out a new robotic hand, or some type of claw, and pinched the shotgun trigger when he should have released the grip. It is widely assumed on the internets that at this point Cheney is more machine than man.

“Those robotic claws they use these days, they’re very tricky,” conspiracy theorist Brian Wallace explained. “Your brain says to relax and your hand squeezes. Personally, I think Cheney has a whole briefcase full of different types of robotic hands.”

Another theory was that Cheney someohow suspected Wittington as being an imminent threat to his safety. "It is not beyond the Vice President to shoot first and ask questions later" a close source commented. "He would much rather launch a preemptive attack than be attacked himself. Perhaps, again, he was the victim of shoddy intel?"

Wallace continued, “Have you seen Cheney lately? He’s all hunched over, twisted up like an old oak tree. That could be due to the rocket pack implant in his back, manipulating his steel spine under the weight of it.”

Wittington will not comment on the incident out of respect for Cheney. But, personally, I hope conversations are going like this.

Wittington: “The Dick shot me. We refer to him affectionately as The Dick. Or even, sometimes, The Big Dick. He’s a big player you know. The Big Fucking Dick shot me. Haha.”

One can only imagine and luckily it is my job to conjecture madly. Personally, I think operating a firearm is the last thing the Vice President should be doing. He certainly doesn't know where to put the US military, much less make a snap decision about where to shoot his gun. This is the same man who has heart attacks while on one of the most relaxing jobs in the world: US Vice President, and he thinks he can go hunting?

Since the incident Cheney has been moved to an undisclosed location.

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