Tuesday, January 31, 2006

White House Opens Fire on the Swiss

Are you a neutral Swiss coward? You may be next in line for a White House character assassination.

While attempting to reshape the Mid-East in his image, Bush opened up a new front against those lazy, apathetic Europeans. You’ve probably heard of the War on Terror, but did you know about the secret War on dissenters using common European stereotypes as a weapon? The tip of the spear on this offensive front is White House spokesman, and three-time Steve Mariucci look-alike champion, Scott McClellan. Also deployed on this front is the White House’s character assassination unit: The Republican National Committee.

The Bush administration started dropping European Stereotype Bombs in conjunction with smart bombs on Iraq, in a closely coordinated effort, targeting Iraq war foes as “French.” The administration used this weapon to maximum effect, obliterating any whisp of pro-France sympathies, leading zealots to even boycott French toast and French fries. It also sent Democrats running into their bunkers. No one wanted to be labeled as "French." In the wake of such stunning success The White House has now opened a new salvo of bunker buster proportions, labeling certain Democrats as “Davos Democrats”—turning the Swiss resort town into the butt of an insult.

One of the first targets was, predictably, Senator John Kerry, typically used as a training dummy for RNC character assassination tactics. Kerry was in Davos Thursday when he urged the Senate to use a filibuster against Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito.

McClellan deftly retorted, “This was the first time ever that a Senator has called for a filibuster from the slopes of Davos, Switzerland.” And then he moved in for the kill saying, “I think even for a Senator, it takes some pretty serious yodeling to call for a filibuster from a five-star ski resort in the Swiss Alps.”

Kerry was in Davos at the World Economic Forum, along other senators and senior Bush administration officials.

Since the initial Kerry assault, Democrats Harry Reid, and Dianne Feinstein have also received attacks, being branded with the Davos label.

“The opening move on Kerry was so effective we decided to use our new weapon in wider use,” a senior administration official commented. “Although, that’s not saying much, is it? I mean destroying Kerry’s character isn’t much harder than waging war against 3rd world countries.”

This represents a new phase in the administration's attempt to gain as much political might as it can out of old European stereotypes.

Another White House official explained: “First, we had the French. They’re so easy. Anyone not in favor of war can be easily labeled as ‘French.’ Now we have the Swiss. Those rich, neutral, skiers--one could almost call them the original Democrat. It’s like the Swiss were invented for this use."

The exasperated Democrats debated on labeling the Bush Administration as aggressive Germans, but after initial polling it was found that the decisive, fascist label actually turned into a positive for Republicans.

One Democratic strategist revealed: "We tried referring to the Bush Administration as a blitzkrieg, we talked about their Gestapo tactics, we pointed out their imperialistic ideals, their civil rights bending, flag waving, goose stepping, save the fatherland attitude, and every time we did their poll numbers actually went up!"

"We plan on using every European country we can, their stereotypes are our political gain," a confident RNC member stated. "You want 'shock and awe'? Just wait until we start using Poland."

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