State of the Union: Speculative

I just finished watching Bush's state of the union speech, a time-honored tradition where the President gives his honest assessment on the current state of our great nation. I was so drunk by the time it was over.

I was happy to see they assembled Cheney for his sixth public appearance. He didn't look too happy to be out of his hyperbolic chamber though. His mask hastily fastened on, his head crudely welded to his exo-skeleton. Oh well. Glad to see Pelosi survived over 60 minutes of Vice Presidential exposure. Makeup blocks radiation?

Did Bush really say the government had to spend money wisely? It's always good to open with a joke.

Is the first lady suffering from some type of facial nerve damage? She looked like she was sitting on a gag buzzer the whole time. BUZZZZ. Smiles, everyone!

When is the last time Supreme Court justices heard this much speculation? If stricken from the record the speech would have consisted of the President clearing his throat and waiting for the applause to die down.

Let's see...No Child Left Behind, tax cuts, immigration, screwing America over....yep, all there.

Bush just came out against foreign oil. I guess he was serious about our addiction. Looks like he's going to fight it the way any good Christian would--lots of prayer, and some guilt. Seriously though, this oil thing has to be addressed. Not just because it puts us in bed with people who are sick of us, but there's that whole "global climate change" thing, which must be the new administration approved euphemism for "global warming."

I noticed Bush and Cheney drank their water at the same time. That's how in step these Republicans are. Spooky. I'll bet it was an inside joke to leave madam speaker out of the loop.

Is McCain sleeping?

Since we can't measure success by anything in Iraq, we will now measure it by what didn't happen: I guess we've thwarted various terrorist attacks in our global war on terror. However, terrorist attacks and violence we not only did not stop but helped cause are not an indictment on our current policy. It's neat how that works.

Wow. Bush just made Dick Durbin disappear!

Do the terrorists really hate freedom? Or are they tired of seeing their countries played like puppets? I'm sure all this terrorist stuff started when a bunch of idiots in caves thought, "You know who sucks? Those Americans. Freedom sucks! Let's destroy ourselves and others to stop it!"

Chertoff shaved his mustache. He almost doesn't look like the guy who helped ensure one of the biggest man-made disasters in American history.

Now Bush is babbling about building free societies in the Middle East. I'm just half-assing it at this point but don't you think that's what they're pissed about? How much dignity and freedom have we suppressed in the Middle East through the Cold War to keep the region an anti-communist block? Or, a cheep source of oil? When are we going to be done using the Mid-East as our political science lab project?

Cheney just started laughing hysterically. Man, he's weird.

I'm tired of people, especially anyone remotely linked to this administration, pontificating about what would happen in Iraq if we pulled the troops out. It's not that they're right or wrong, it's that no one knows. Especially not these people who have proved grossly ignorant on the entire affair. Bush is confidently predicting what will happen in Iraq, and the guy will probably get locked in a closet on the way out of the building.

That said, we're going to increase the size of the military. What this country needs now, more than ever, is more of those "Marines" commercials. My attitude is, if you're willing to put your life in the government's hands after this five year long commercial of incompetence, nothing I say will stop you. I'm going to stop worrying so much about it.

We've vowed to stop Iran from getting "nuculer" weapons, what ever those are. It's the nuclear ones we should be concerned about. Pwned.

Oh, here's the human interest segment! The president introduced Wesley Autry as a humble guy who saved a stranger in the New York City subway. As the audience started to applaud Autry jumped from his chair, raised his arms out, made a slow circle, basked in the glory and, before sitting his ass back down, gave the president some mad props. For real. That's about as humble as we get these days. I look forward to his book deal or motivational speaking tour.

Thomas Jefferson discarded the practice of giving the speech in-person because he thought it was too monarchical. Instead he wrote the speech down and sent it to congress to be read by a clerk. This continued until 1913. Watching all the pomp and circumstance today I think Jefferson was on the right track.

Dude, having Ted Nugent close the show probably wasn't the best idea.