Cheney found to have irregular heartbeat, heart

Washington - Vice President Dick Cheney, who has a history of health problems, was found to have an irregular heartbeat during a doctor's visit on Monday morning, his office said. The diagnosis also led to the discovery of a living, beating, four-chambered heart inside Cheney's chest cavity.

Cheney visited his doctors because of a lingering cough from a cold and during the examination he was found to have an irregular heartbeat, which on further testing was determined to be "atrial fibrillation, an abnormal rhythm involving the upper chambers of the heart," said Megan Mitchell, spokeswoman for Cheney.

"What this means is that the Vice President does indeed have a working, beating heart which pumps warm blood throughout his circulatory system, carrying oxygen to his brain, other vital organs, and cells, just like every human being," Mitchell said. "Everyone can now stop speculating."

Cheney will undergo further evaluation on Monday and if required he will have an electric impulse to the heart delivered, which is standard treatment for this diagnosis, Mitchell said. He would be put under sedation. Doctors are also speculating how Cheney's heart has managed to survive for so long inside Cheney's body.

"Honestly, we're a little curious," said Melinda Fawley, a cardiac surgeon at Johns Hopkins Hospital. "It's been well documented that Cheney's central nervous system has, for some time now, been going to great lengths to destroy his heart, or to at least marginalize it. Yet there is his heart, still beating, albeit irregularly, after repeated attempts at arrest."

All of the Vice President's medical procedures are performed under top secret conditions for security reasons. Since the time of his last operation many experts assumed Cheney's heart had simply been removed.

"I can't believe it's still in there, and still beating," said Lou Dubose author of the book Vice: Dick Cheney and the Hijacking of the American Presidency. "We were told that his heart had stopped beating years ago and was just taking up space and the Vice President had requested it removed for national security reasons; one less thing for him to worry about health-wise while also eradicating of any trace of a nagging conscious."

The discovery of Cheney's heart has led to troubling philisophical questions for political experts who are now wondering how Cheney could be fully human while slaying the very things that make humans unique--emotion, love, justice, and culture.

"If he has a real heart I have no idea how he did it," Dubose admits. "I guess we have to label him human in a technical sense, but that's about it. And if it's possible to be human without even really needing the heart, well, what's the point of it?"

Cheney Introduces Cadets to Army Service

Today Dick Cheney gave the commencement address at West Point to a crowd of 20,000. The image of the Vice President, who actively avoided military service during Vietnam, rallying the Cadets was greeted with raucous laughter by most of the country.

Making matters worse, Cheney quickly slipped the moorings of reality while attempting to explain that Iraq is somehow tied to the increasingly nebulous war on terror because that is where the terrorists “have massed.”

Cheney then broke the sense of rapture displayed among the audience by saying “Nobody can promise us we won’t be hit again.” Somewhere a big dog barked.

"The truth is I have terrible dreams at night," Cheney said. "I dream of towers crumbling to the ground. I dream of soldiers sent into action, ill equipped, fighting with leftover equipment, led by corrupt leaders with delusions of....I'm sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, Iraq!"

Many neoconservatives point to Iraq and Vietnam as an example of weak American will. Cheney, whose military record includes five draft deferments to escape serving in the Vietnam War, happily welcomed 978 cadets into the Army many of whom will spend time in Iraq training Iraqi soldiers.

“You did not give in to other priorities as so many others have done,” Cheney said. “Instead you have offered up your time, your youth, in service to this country. And I pledge to have you all out of Iraq as soon as it is politically expedient to do so. For now just trust me on this one.”

In Defense of 'Hateful' Bloggers (and the Rest of the World)

Dick Cheney emerged and, before hopping a plane to Australia, gave an interview with ABC news saying that a Democratic plan to stop the troop surge would "validate al-Qaeda."

"The al-Qaeda strategy is to break the will of the American people, knowing they can't win in a stand-up fight, try to convince us to throw in the towel and come home and then they win because we quit," he said. "I think that is exactly the wrong course to go on. I think that is the course of action that Speaker Pelosi and Jack Murtha support. I think it would be a mistake for the country."

This remarkable statement came on February 21, the day after White House Press Secretary Tony Snow lamented about "hateful" politicizing bloggers.

So, I'll ask you: which is worse? Bloggers being "hateful" or the Vice President? Seriously. The message disseminated from the White House and received by its followers is that if you don't agree with what they're doing you are an unpatriotic, al-Qaeda loving coward. The latest shot has just been fired by the Dick Cheney himself. It's hard not to sound a little hateful when that is what the Vice President thinks of your efforts.

Cheney may have been referring to Pelosi and Murtha but he is talking about the majority of Americans who no longer have faith in the administration's judgment, and do not believe a surge will work. If Pelosi and Murtha are simply doing their job and representing the majority opinion, what type of contempt does Cheney hold the rest of the country in?

And it's not just Pelosi, Murtha, or the majority of Americans who have lost faith in the administration and the troop surge, almost no one anywhere agrees with it.

I think we can accept as certain fact that almost every country now has a vested interest in Iraq, which has gone from being a regional pest to a world-wide crisis.The war in Iraq has ignited turned a small jihadi fire into a conflagration which now produces terrorism world-wide. Therefore every country is carefully considering what to do about Iraq. And what no one is doing is adding more troops. Oh, except us, because, well, we don't want to "quit" or be called "cowards." That is the level we're operating on with so much at stake

I find it interesting that Cheney has flown to Australia where he was greeted by a large protest which led to 10 arrests. Why do the Australians care so much about Dick Cheney? Because his "fever" for Iraq has made their world less safe too. Also interesting is that the Prime Minister of Australia recently blasted Barak Obama's Iraq plan as being helpful to al-Qaeda. Obama responded by saying that if Australia sees war in Iraq, and a strong troop presence in Iraq, as so detrimental to al-Qaeda, why don't they commit 20,000 troops?

The truth is no one sees it that way. Even Britain, our closest ally in this endeavor, is preparing to withdraw its 7,000 troops from the project. If a surge is indeed the right move, how come everyone else has reached the opposite conclusion? Does their decision validate al-Qaeda? Or has the entire world invalidated the hateful and foolish thinking of a man like Dick Cheney? Perhaps, considering he has been wrong on everything, we should be a little annoyed when he continually calls our judgment and patriotism into question. He is an insult not only to us but to the world.

Bush 'certain' Iran suppling weapons in Iraq, and by 'certain' he means 'there's no proof'

Consider the opening paragraph of a new AP article form White House correspondent Terence Hunt:

President Bush said Wednesday he's certain the Iranian government is supplying deadly weapons used by fighters in Iraq against U.S. troops, even if he can't prove that the orders came from top Iranian leaders.

That, really, is all you need to know. That should be enough to terrify every American who considers sound judgment a virtue. Because, as we have all painfully discovered, all it takes for this President to do something horrifying is a hunch, a sneaky suspicion, a gut feeling. No proof is necessary for the man who has spent so much time ignoring facts about global warming, stem cell research, evolution, and foreign affairs..

And so you get this:

"I'm going to do something about it," Bush pledged, displaying apparent irritation at being repeatedly asked about mixed administration signals on who was behind the weaponry. "To say it is provoking Iran is just a wrong way to characterize the commander in chief's decision to do what is necessary to protect our soldiers in harm's way," Bush said.

Uh, oh. Bush is getting irritated again. Nothing gets the President more worked up than a request for some evidence. You might as well ask him how he knows Jesus Christ is the son of God.

Bush spoke a day after Gen. Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, cast doubts on the claims that higher-ups in the Iranian government had authorized the arming of Iraqi Shiite militias. Pace told reporters that materials used in some of the munitions could be traced to Iran, "but that does not translate that the Iranian government per se, for sure, is directly involved in doing this.

Peter Pace? What does he know? The only fact that matters is that many people around the White House are clamoring for a war to start. This is exactly how you do it: up the rhetoric against your target to bolster support, then, regretfully, take action. This type of thing happens all the time.

The usual suspects are already getting on-board, rattling their cold, limp sabers. Richard Perle has already said, "I have very little doubt that Bush would order “necessary military action” against Iran. The American Enterprise Institute has chimed in as well with Joshua Muravchik saying, “Make no mistake, President Bush will need to bomb Iran’s nuclear facilities before leaving office."

Don't you see? The world through the eyes of a shadowy think-tank member sees less than two years to start another war. The clock is ticking. Some people are saying war in Iran may begin this spring.

Meanwhile White House Press Secretary Tony Snow has been instructing journalists to " calm down" after being asked a few hard questions. Calm down, indeed. Is there any reason why we should trust this administration with any judgment call? Give me one thing they have been right about? Even the recent North Korean agreement is essentially the 1994 framework established under the Clinton administration which Bush demolished after taking office.

It's not even a matter of trust. Why should we believe this administration is even telling the truth? Or even capable of it? After all the scandals and lies, half-truths, half-cocked assumptions, half-assed leadership; after what we have seen in the ongoing trial of I Lewis "Scooter" Libby, former chief of staff of Vice President Dick Cheney, why should we believe this administration on anything?

There is just precious little time left for Bush, Cheney, and the neoconservatives to make up for those eight years of peace and love under the Clinton administration. They only have two years left to piss on the rest of the world. There's no time for facts. There's only time for the agenda.

Cheney's Sick of You All Being Such Dicks

Why can't you all just go along with his fantasy? That's all he asks. Is that too much? Now he has to kill even more people.

Defending Iraq War, Defiant Cheney Cites 'Enormous Successes'

State of the Union: Speculative

I just finished watching Bush's state of the union speech, a time-honored tradition where the President gives his honest assessment on the current state of our great nation. I was so drunk by the time it was over.

I was happy to see they assembled Cheney for his sixth public appearance. He didn't look too happy to be out of his hyperbolic chamber though. His mask hastily fastened on, his head crudely welded to his exo-skeleton. Oh well. Glad to see Pelosi survived over 60 minutes of Vice Presidential exposure. Makeup blocks radiation?

Did Bush really say the government had to spend money wisely? It's always good to open with a joke.

Is the first lady suffering from some type of facial nerve damage? She looked like she was sitting on a gag buzzer the whole time. BUZZZZ. Smiles, everyone!

When is the last time Supreme Court justices heard this much speculation? If stricken from the record the speech would have consisted of the President clearing his throat and waiting for the applause to die down.

Let's see...No Child Left Behind, tax cuts, immigration, screwing America over....yep, all there.

Bush just came out against foreign oil. I guess he was serious about our addiction. Looks like he's going to fight it the way any good Christian would--lots of prayer, and some guilt. Seriously though, this oil thing has to be addressed. Not just because it puts us in bed with people who are sick of us, but there's that whole "global climate change" thing, which must be the new administration approved euphemism for "global warming."

I noticed Bush and Cheney drank their water at the same time. That's how in step these Republicans are. Spooky. I'll bet it was an inside joke to leave madam speaker out of the loop.

Is McCain sleeping?

Since we can't measure success by anything in Iraq, we will now measure it by what didn't happen: I guess we've thwarted various terrorist attacks in our global war on terror. However, terrorist attacks and violence we not only did not stop but helped cause are not an indictment on our current policy. It's neat how that works.

Wow. Bush just made Dick Durbin disappear!

Do the terrorists really hate freedom? Or are they tired of seeing their countries played like puppets? I'm sure all this terrorist stuff started when a bunch of idiots in caves thought, "You know who sucks? Those Americans. Freedom sucks! Let's destroy ourselves and others to stop it!"

Chertoff shaved his mustache. He almost doesn't look like the guy who helped ensure one of the biggest man-made disasters in American history.

Now Bush is babbling about building free societies in the Middle East. I'm just half-assing it at this point but don't you think that's what they're pissed about? How much dignity and freedom have we suppressed in the Middle East through the Cold War to keep the region an anti-communist block? Or, a cheep source of oil? When are we going to be done using the Mid-East as our political science lab project?

Cheney just started laughing hysterically. Man, he's weird.

I'm tired of people, especially anyone remotely linked to this administration, pontificating about what would happen in Iraq if we pulled the troops out. It's not that they're right or wrong, it's that no one knows. Especially not these people who have proved grossly ignorant on the entire affair. Bush is confidently predicting what will happen in Iraq, and the guy will probably get locked in a closet on the way out of the building.

That said, we're going to increase the size of the military. What this country needs now, more than ever, is more of those "Marines" commercials. My attitude is, if you're willing to put your life in the government's hands after this five year long commercial of incompetence, nothing I say will stop you. I'm going to stop worrying so much about it.

We've vowed to stop Iran from getting "nuculer" weapons, what ever those are. It's the nuclear ones we should be concerned about. Pwned.

Oh, here's the human interest segment! The president introduced Wesley Autry as a humble guy who saved a stranger in the New York City subway. As the audience started to applaud Autry jumped from his chair, raised his arms out, made a slow circle, basked in the glory and, before sitting his ass back down, gave the president some mad props. For real. That's about as humble as we get these days. I look forward to his book deal or motivational speaking tour.

Thomas Jefferson discarded the practice of giving the speech in-person because he thought it was too monarchical. Instead he wrote the speech down and sent it to congress to be read by a clerk. This continued until 1913. Watching all the pomp and circumstance today I think Jefferson was on the right track.

Dude, having Ted Nugent close the show probably wasn't the best idea.

McCain: I Too Am Tired of Carrying Water

The Politico reports that John McCain has finally come out against the handling of the war in Iraq. After carrying water for the administration Senator McCain has decided to take a bold stance and come out against Vice President Cheney much the same way Princess Diana once came out against land mines.

Although McCain had once lavished praise on the vice president, he said in an interview in his Senate office: "The president listened too much to the Vice President . . . Of course, the president bears the ultimate responsibility, but he was very badly served by both the Vice President and, most of all, the Secretary of Defense."

McCain added: "Rumsfeld will go down in history, along with McNamara, as one of the worst secretaries of defense in history." Donald Rumsfeld served as President Bush's secretary of defense from January 2001 to December 2006. Robert McNamara was Secretary of Defense during the Vietnam War.

McCain, who recently topped a list of the 50 Most Loathsome People in America, will be seeking the presidency in 2008. He is currently on a roll, changing his stance on gay marriage, tax-cuts, and abortion, all to position himself for the big run. Just two years ago McCain was an avowed Cheney admirer, describing him as "one of the most capable, experienced, intelligent and steady vice presidents this country has ever had." But today we welcome John McCain to the 70% of America that believes the Bush Administration has absolutely no idea what is going on or how to conduct a war, any war, but especially a war on terrorism, a war in Iraq. What took you so long?

During McCain's lauding Cheney extended his contempt for the American people and continued a pugnacious attitude that has led to a deteriorating national image, two failed wars, thousands of civilians killed, and huge contracts for Haliburton. Thankfully the American people have forged the way, handing down Nixon-like poll ratings for Bush / Cheney et. al., which means now McCain and probably other Republican presidential hopefuls can summon the courage to identify Dick Cheney, and, perhaps, the other in-office criminals, as a liability to the Republic.

Best. SecDev. Ever!

Donald Rumsfeld "is the finest Secretary of Defense this nation has ever had."
-Vice President Dick Cheney at Rumsfeld's farewell ceremony.

It's the administration's daily insult to your intelligence. Watch the clip at Think Progress.

Dems to Keep Johnson Alive "As Long As It Takes"

Leading Democrats today showed unprecedented unity after Sen. Tim Johnson, D-SD, suffered a brain hemorrhage Wednesday. With Johnson's life hanging in the balance it became known that South Dakota's Republican governor would have the power to appoint a replacement in the event that Johnson did not survive or needed to step down. The appointment of a Republican would move the Senate to a 50-50 tie, with Vice President Dick Cheney holding the deciding vote.

"That is simply not an option," Democratic majority leader Harry Reid, Nevada, said. "We're going to keep Tim Johnson alive as long as it takes."

While Johnson's recovery has been widely watched the Democrats have been planning for any contingency.

"The man is going to live, " Reid continued. "We'll smuggle in Cuban doctors if we have to. We'll pull a Weekend at Bernies if we have to. We'll make Teri Schiavo look like a footnote in history. As long as Tim Johnson lives, that's the important thing. Or, as long as people think he's alive. And how much does it take to prove a Senator is alive and functioning? Not much, really. We are barely even required to come to work."

Legal experts are divided on the issue of stripping Johnson of his vote due to death, and handing the deciding vote over to Vice President Cheney who has been legally dead for the last six years.

"Cheney, strictly speaking, is more machine than man," said a Congressional legal expert. "Look at his posture, his scowl, his robotic mannerisms, his cold, callous disregard for human life...my God, people, the signs are all there! I find it not only legally wrong but morally reprehensible to hand over Senatorial veto power to that...thing...even if Senator Johnson, god forbid, were to pass away or need to step down."

In other news, reports are flooding in that looting around Washington DC has been on the rise recently. A man resembling President Bush was seen smashing a car window with a brick and rummaging around for the elusive solution to the Iraq debacle. When authorities closed in he hissed, and escaped down a nearby manhole.

Cheney Likes to Say Stuff

Cheney in 1991...



Cheney today....

Anniversary Near, 9/11-Iraq Connection Rises from Ashes

The president is on a public relations offensive this week, reminding the country that we are still at war on terror and at war in Iraq.

“The terrorists who attacked us on September the 11th, 2001, are men without conscience, but they’re not madmen,” Bush said. “They kill in the name of a clear and focused ideology, a set of beliefs that are evil but not insane.”

Speaking before a crowd of military officers and diplomatic representatives Bush pressed home his thoughts about terrorists.

Bush cited a “grisly al Qaida manual” found in 2000 by British police which included a chapter called 'Guidelines for Beating and Killing Hostages.' He said the manual bore an eerie resemblance to a 2002 Justice Department memo advising the White House how to legally torture al Qaeda terrorists.

“It is obvious what this means,” the President said. “The terrorists are trying to use our own tactics against us. They will fail.”

Bush then began the precarious task of trying to connect 9/11 and Al Qaida with the current effort in Iraq. The politically essential connection between Iraq and 9/11 took a serious hit on August 21 when Cox news reporter Ken Herman asked the president what Iraq had to do since 9/11. “Nothing,” Bush defiantly answered.

That clip can be seen here.

Since then the White House as worked very hard to make sure Iraq has something to do with 9/11.

On August 28, Vice President Dick Cheney tied the two together while attacking Democrats. “They overlook a fundamental fact. We were not in Iraq on September 11, 2001, but the terrorist hit us anyway.”

On September 2 Bush declared the war in Iraq to be vital to the war on terror as part of the strategy to fight terrorists abroad.

Yesterday Bush cited what he said was a captured al Qaida document found during a recent raid in Iraq. He said the document described plans to take over Iraq's western Anbar province and set up a governing structure including an education department, a social services department, a justice department, and an execution unit.

A hostile take over? Standing-up a governing body? Creating education, services, and instilling justice? Bush’s point was clear: the terrorists want nothing less than to reshape Iraq in their own image.

Bush’s speaking tour comes during the White House release of a 23-page summary of the U.S. approach to combating terrorism which declares “America is safer, but we are not yet safe.”

The President, like the document, will offer no fresh plans about how to turn things around in Iraq or the war on terror or how they're related.