President Says Some Shit at Important Conference

Yesterday, due to a technical oversight, commoners were given a rare glimpse into the powerful and glamorous realm of world leaders. An open microphone caught comments by President Bush at on the final day of the G8 summit. Many have wondered what President Bush sounds like un-scripted, and the answer is: rude, coarse and to the point. Bush was heard using an expletive referring to Hezbollah, complaining about the verbose nature of some world leaders, demanding diet-pepsi, and marvelling at the vast expanse of Russia.

But most Americans may have been unaware of the President’s comments due to Federal Communications Commission rules which fine broadcasters up to $325,000 for airing unscripted comments. The only political statements deemed newsworthy by the FCC are those that have been carefully choreographed by a team of political scientists ahead of time. CNN, which is a cable outlet, played the quote. Fox News did not.

How did the most powerful man in the world feel about his speech to other world leaders?

“Just gonna make it up,” he said. “I'm not going to talk too damn long like the rest of them. Some of these guys talk too long.”

How does Bush talk to the king of China, America’s main economic and political rival?

“Gotta go home. Got something to do tonight. Go to the airport, get on the airplane and go home. How about you? Where are you going? Home? This is your neighborhood. It doesn't take you long to get home. How long does it take you to get home? Eight hours? Me too. Russia's a big country and you're a big country. It takes him eight hours to fly home.”

(Our president forgivingly assumed that because China and Russia are neighbors it wouldn’t take long to fly from St. Petersburg to Bejing.)

How does Bush talk to hired help?

“No, Diet Coke, Diet Coke.”

(Our President just couldn’t get over how far apart St. Petersburg and Bejing are. He has the wide-eyed wonder of a school boy!)

“It takes him eight hours to fly home,” he continued. “Eight hours. Russia's big and so is China.”

How does Bush talk to his best friends?

“Yo, Blair, what are you doing? You leaving?

Blair: No, no, no, not yet.

And the inner workings of trade negotations?

Bush: If you want me to. I just want some movement. Yesterday, I didn't see much movement. The desire's to move.

Blair : No, no there's not. It may be that it's impossible.

Bush : I'll be glad to say it. Who's introducing me?

Blair : Angela. [German Chancellor Angela Merkel ]

Bush : Tell her to call on me. Tell her to put me on the spot.

(Our president likes to carry the ball.)

Bush : Thanks for the sweater. Awfully thoughtful of you. I know you picked it out yourself.

Blair : Oh, absolutely.

The conversation then turned to the Mideast Crisis.

Bush : See, the irony is what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this shit, and it's over.

Blair : Who, Syria?

Bush : Right.

Blair : I think this is all part of the same thing. What does he think? He thinks if Lebanon turns out fine, if we get a solution in Israel and Palestine, Iraq goes in the right way, he's [inaudible ] . That's what this whole thing's about. It's the same with Iran.

Bush : I felt like telling Kofi to get on the phone with Assad and make something happen. We're not blaming Israel. We're not blaming the Lebanese government."

At that point Blair turned the microphone off.

Many on the left have latched on and mocked the president for his language and impatience. Even the right’s Bill O’Reilly considered the conversation “embarrassing” for the president. However, I predict the inane banter and crude speech will only help Bush. Indeed, those on the right should be supremely satisfied that he appears to speak in private exactly as he does in public, with simplistic thoughts tinged frequently with impatience and annoyance.

What would have been a real disaster is if the president had spoken too cerebrally, perhaps comprehending the size of Russia and China, or maybe revealing some complex understanding of the Middle East crisis. No one wants to picture our representative as some Poindexter! Only those on the left want a leader like that. Boring! Bush’s blunt approach to complex problems is not only admired but reciprocal. His disdain for meetings and verbose eggheads is mutual. Again, no one likes liberals. It would have been utterly unsettling to hear him speaking with applied enthusiasm or, heaven forbid, with the breadth and depth of an intellectual.

It’s just unfortunate that the president has to have his conversations listened-in on. This type of treatment should be inflicted only on commoners and laborers who need to be constantly monitored. As proof, you can be charged for things you said when you thought no one was listening, but our leader can’t even be repeated on public airwaves unless he knows he’s being quoted. What kind of people does Russia employ for these conferences? I hope the White House forms a crudely worded letter stating their blunt opinion on this matter. This is not the first time a microphone has been left on.

Many have criticized the President’s language. Your children are not allowed to speak that way in school, but he can. Your children are also not allowed to speak with food in their mouths, but our leader can. He is, of course, President. Who would ever even think of holding our leader to the standards we hold even the wildest and most unkempt of juveniles to? Yes, Bush said some shit. Let's all say it. Shit! Hey, that was fun. That gives boring rhetoric a little punch in the gut. Shit, get over it, people.

My advice is not to sweat this little episode. Happily, the president, when told about it, rolled his eyes and laughed. If he’s not worried, I’m not worried. In-fact white house spokesman Tony Snow is already using the conversation as an example supreme representation, pointing out how the President speaks and thinks like all Americans. How flattering!