Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Escape from Poseidon

OK, listen, it’s been a stinker of a summer movie season so far.
They're bad and they seem to be multiplying. There's only one thing to do: grab your 12 gauge and blast them while they come through the door. Or, as I do, get on the internet within minutes and register your digust through-out the world. Here are my reviews and predictions for the 2006 summer movie season.

Mission Impossible: 3 (aka: M:I:III) -- So far this was the best movie I’ve seen this summer, but that’s not saying much. Points added for nice pacing, Lawrence Fishburne and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Points taken away for five (count ‘em) Tom Cruise running scenes.

Poseidon -- I haven’t seen it. That’s my review. I read somewhere you could put an eye patch on Kurt Russell and call it “Escape from Poseidon.” Cool.

The DaVinci Code -- You know, I really didn’t have too much of a problem with this movie but it certainly was not to be taken seriously. I think alarmed Christians should be embarrassed or ashamed of themselves. Points added for finally ending all the Code hype. Points taken away for Hanks’ hair, Sir Ian McKellan, movie length.

Over the Hedge -- Haven’t seen it; going to rent it someday…maybe. It’s supposed to be decent but the idea of little animals running all over the screen, yelling and screaming makes me nervous. I saw “Chicken Little” and hated it for the same reason. Some people are afraid of clowns. I’m afraid of computer animated rodents voiced by Steven Colbert and paced double time and stuffed with as many clichés as possible.

X-Men 3: The Last Stand – Saw it and it was a real stinker if you ask me. Pretty dark and serious and just didn’t create a convincing atmosphere for me. The “protest” scenes seemed ridiculous. Even liberals do a better job at expressing angst.

Cars – Haven’t seen it, yet but I’ll go. It’s Pixar, come on! The previews haven’t done anything for me. I understand children / family movies often revolve around life lessons but this movie seems to come right out and say them rather than let you just naturally “get” it.

Nacho Libre: Ummm…I just don’t think so. Sorry. Yeah, Jack Black can be funny. Yeah, he can sing. Yeah, he’s probably insane. Throw in some wrestling and some kids and you’ve got a great movie, right? I guess I have a principle that says if Hollywood is banking you’ll go see a movie for all the obvious reasons they probably haven’t given it too much thought.

Superman Returns: I predict only Kevin Spacey will determine if this movie soars or dies a slow death. Personally, I’m hoping it works. But there’s more to the Man of Steel than flashy special effects.

Pirates of the Caribean: Dead Man’s Chest: It’s probably going to be cool. But it might also be high on itself. I’m predicting it’ll be a winner.

Miami Vice: In this 80s this show was synonymous with cool. So far the trailers look greasy.

Snakes on a Plane: THE big hit of the summer. I’m not joking here. I think everyone should go out and see it, as a vote of disgust about the movies that have been unleashed upon us this summer. At least this movie doesn’t ask to be taken seriously and for that, at this point, it has my thumbs up.

Side note: Technically, not a summer movie, I watched "Munich" the other night. It was terrible. I can't believe that thing was nominated for best picture. First of all, it was long. Can I get a movie that isn't three hours long anymore? (A three hour movie now automatically signals a film full of self importance, unable to control even its own footprint.) Secondly, the word "sweat" kept coming to mind as I watched it. The actors seemed to really be working hard to make this movie a great fim. I just found it hard work to sit through.

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