Thursday, June 15, 2006

The Gloomy Life of a Terrorist

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi had plenty of answers, before he died from a US air attack. Found in his hideout was a blueprint for how to wage a war between the United States and Iran and a strategy on how to destroy relations between the United States and Shiites in Iraq. A document found there also shed some light on the outlook of today's terrorist--guess what, it's gloomy.

“Time is now beginning to be of service to the American forces and harmful to the resistance,” the document said “Generally speaking and despite the gloomy present situation, we find that the best solution in order to get out of this crisis is to involve the U.S. forces in waging a war against another country or any hostile groups.”

The document also said that the insurgency was failing to attract more recruits. The United States suffered a similar problem a year ago when recruitment levels fell alarmingly low. How did the military turn things around? By increasing the number of recruiters and upping enlistment bonuses. Soon, men ages 18-35 just couldn’t say no to the idea of strict discipline, deployment and warfare.

Terrorists have no such elements in their favor. Their recruiters have died at an alarming rate, blowing themselves up with improvised explosive devices. The terrorists can also offer no monetary bonuses because those they recruit often have no reason to buy anything ever again. It's almost as if the allure of death and mayhem is losing its appeal to would-be insurgents.

Ahh, the gloomy life of a terrorist. Maybe they are finally starting to realize that when you spend all your time plotting how to kill yourself and others, it leaves precious little time for friends and loved ones. That said, my plan to save Iraq would be to plant Victoria’s Secrets all around. I think we've taken the first step by wearing the terrorists down, now it's time to offer them things worth living for. It's a stepped plan: 1) plant stores all around, 2) women like feeling sexy, 3) men get distracted.

Girlfriend: honey, where are you going?
Terrorist: baby, you know I have that meeting tonight…uh, with the guys.
Girlfriend: ohh baby, no. You promised you’d stay home tonight.
Terrorist: you know Tuesdays are our big night...erm, poker night!
Girlfriend: but if you go you won’t get to see what I bought at VS this afternoon.

*cue raunchy music*

See? We’re only human. And yeah, guys will be guys. It's no accident that most fanatics are young men, before they've mellowed out a little. Most guys love explosisons, loud noises, and team sports. So, you can see how young males could be succeptable to the seductive call to be a martyr, can't you? We need to fight fire with fire. What's one thing guys like more than explosions and loud noises? You guessed it. See, there's more to life than acting like a jerk. The sooner fanatics around the world realize this the better. You don’t build a better world by living a gloomy existence. I think tomorrow’s terrorists are figuring that out. While strapping yourself into a truck full of explosives and plowing into a building might be some guy’s idea of fun, I’d rather wake up in the morning and thank God for another day of life.

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