My fellow Americans, 2007 is quickly coming to an end, and all I can say is 'thank you, Jesus.' It has been a long, and trying year for Laura and I. It seems like almost nothing has gone right. Why even on the way here to Crawford the presidential limo broke down and we had to get out and push. Laura mumbled something about 'typical' and I tried to improve her spirits with some of my unfounded optimism when I suddenly realized she was right. 2007 sucked. In-fact, the last five or six years have sucked. The presidency has been the worst time of my life. There, I've said it.
We were both glad to be here at the ranch, relaxing, and waiting out the final days of the year. I took the phone off the hook and we watched "Animal House." I cracked open an ice-old Coca-Cola when an aide busted into the room and said something about Benazir Butto being assassinated in Pakistan. Then, I was told I was going to have to give an address to the nation about it. The only peace and quiet I ever get is in the men's room, and even that has a phone in it. The only thing I'm looking forward to is getting out of the White House.
I started off 2007 cautiously optimistic about Iraq. I had appointed General Petraeus to head up my new victory plan, which the media nicknamed 'the surge.' I like that. Surge. It sounds like an energy drink. Anyway, now my very own advisors can't make heads or tails of what is going on in Iraq and I have tried to stop making sense of it all. Oh, and I'm done making rah-rah speeches about it too. Between you and me, I have no idea how things will turn out in Iraq. Nobody does. But 2007 was so bad in other ways that Iraq has almost fallen off the national conscious, and I suppose that is as much as I ever could have hoped for.
Last spring a madman killed 32 students at Virginia Tech because he had some kind of social anxiety disorder. I do too, but I'm not getting all violent about it. Then, of course, there is the looming mortgage crisis. I saw all of my land holdings in California, Florida, and Nevada lose money and I can see why the average American is losing faith in the economy. Oil prices are somewhere near $100 a barrel which isn't necessarily a bad thing for me, but Laura and I do get a lot of hate mail about it. A major bridge collapsed in Minnesota, the polar caps are melting, immigrants are running around undocumented all over the country, and even our children's toys are found to be covered in led paint. It's enough to make you want to hang up your hat and call it a day.
Do I see brighter things in 2008? Well, of course my speech writers came up with all kinds of hyperbole and rhetoric in a transparent and pathetic attempt to lift the American spirit, but you and I both know by now that it's just a bunch of crap. Anything I say to you now will be viewed with suspicion. 2007 became the year you folks really fell out of love with me. I can no longer fool you or even scare you like I used to. When I talk about Iran's nuclear program even members of the White House Press Corps, fine people who were all but on the executive payroll a few years ago, just roll their eyes and snicker. They don't pass on what I say sign unseen anymore. I tell you, dissenting misinformation isn't as easy as it was back in 2003. You guys aren't the fastest learners, but you do learn.
And so, my fellow Americans, I say to you: good game. We have had our little dance. And now, like jilted lovers, we joust and toss drinks on each other. We share stone-cold dinners with no conversation, the tension hanging thick in the air. Was it Osama that came between us? Was it the elite media? Or was it my own ineptitude? Let's agree to let historians sort it all out. We have one year left together before I recede into the background to write my memoirs and build my library. Let's make 2008 a year to remember, shall we? Before we leave this country to the liberals, let's vow to make the best of it. A bombing campaign in Iran, perhaps?
Surely you will grant me one last indulgence for the road, right? After all the memories I have given you? I promise, you wont see much of me in 2008. My work here, which was an exhausting amount, and will take years to unwind, is done. My domestic policy is in traction, and around the world democracy is in decline, but I have stocked the judiciary, stifled congress, and changed the presidency forever. And I couldn't have done it without your vote. So don't act all indignant now. Don't be so surprised. You knew what you were getting in 2004, and, out of sheer guilt, you'll give me 2008 and all that comes. And, what's more, you'll miss me when I'm gone.