WASHINGTON - The nation's first baby boomer applied for Social Security benefits Monday, causing administrators of the trust fund to scream, "Oh my God! Run for your lives!!"
Kathleen Casey-Kirschling, a former teacher from New Jersey, applied for benefits over the Internet at an event attended by Social Security Commissioner Michael Astrue, while hundreds of concerned citizens watched on horrified. Casey-Kirschling, who now lives in Maryland, was born one second after midnight on Jan. 1, 1946, making her the first baby boomer.
"This is just the beginning...of the end," Said Martin Slesinger, 42, of Passaic, New Jersey. "Or is it the end of the beginning? Who the hell cares? We're doomed!"
An estimated 10,000 people a day will become eligible for Social Security benefits over the next two decades. The Bush administration has taken the necessary precautions, raising the terror alert level to a soothing doily white.
"The most important thing to remember is that the government has plenty of money to cover all baby boomers, and those coming after," said President Bush. "If we run out of money we'll just print some more."
The Social Security trust fund, if left alone, is projected to go broke in 2041. A few hope Congress will address the issue, perhaps after the 2008 presidential election. Many more plan on looting, lying, and cheating their way to a comfortable retirement.