Sunday, August 13, 2006

"Zoom" Gets 0% on Rotten Tomatoes

Tim Allen used to be a happy man. He had his own home improvement show, and a lovely wife and two spirited sons on the outskirts of Detroit. But his know-it-all neighbor, Wilson, never told him what horrors can be unleashed once tied to a bloated studio. You see Allen sold his soul to Disney in return for a dump truck full of money. The rest, as they say, his history.

The list of movies Allen has been forced to star in reads like cliff notes on how to ruin your career.

The Santa Claus
The Santa Claus II
Christmas at the Kranks
The Shaggy Dog

And the latest Disney approved offering is the movie "Zoom." A movie so incomprehensibly bad it has received a 0% rating on Rottentomatoes. That zero represents the average score of all 20 reviews it has received. To put this in some sort of perspective even last year's "Son of the Mask" received a 6% rating.

The one bright spot in Allen's movie career is the classic "Galaxy Quest" but that success has long since been buried under mounds of rubble in Disney's painful attempt to make a decent family movie.

Since the peak of his show "Home Improvement" Allen has been toiling away in Disney's sugar caves, much like an American Idol tied to the wheel of a giant record company. Disney's minions crank out another inept screenplay and they summon Allen from the bowels of their studios to sing and dance for us. In his eyes you can see a glimmer of the bright future that once existed when he simply hawked Binford tools.

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2 comments:

Middle Aged Crazy said...

But at least in Christmas with the Kranks you got to see Jamie Lee in a bikini. A much plumper Jamie Lee than we are used to but still....

Posted by Middle Aged Crazy from Middle Aged Crazy Blog

Sasquatch said...

Well, that's true. I still consider her a fox.

By the way "Zoom" is "up" to 0% with 36 reviews. Impressive.