DaVinci Code Makes Jesus, Critics Cry

First of all, what’s with all the Christian complaining about the “DaVinci Code”? I’m pretty sure I’m the only person in America who hasn’t read it (and proud) so is it really news that Jesus’ divinity is denied in the book? Haven’t millions already read the book and been exposed to that? Do we really need to organize boycotts and will it do any good anyway? It’s fiction, people. OK? It’s not theology.

I’m also tired of Christian leaders who are annoyed because the movie has propelled people to ask questions about Jesus. Isn’t that a good thing? The worst thing for you would be if no one even cared enough to talk about him. But Jesus seems to be safely on everyone’s mind these days. I would call it a Jesus obsession from everyone from atheists to fundamentalists. Christian leaders: be happy about that and start building bridges.

But, perhaps God has already ensured that no one will take the movie seriously. Tom Hanks and Ron Howard have stunned everyone by creating a venerable stink bomb out of the wildly popular Dan Brown novel. (by the way is anyone else sick of Ian McKellen chewing the scenery?) “Code” has been released and is already widely panned. Is this divine intervention? Have the prayers of the faithful been answered? I guess the lesson is if you want to get the most out of this story do like Christians and read the book.

Speaking of Jesus, Pat Robertson has declared that God has warned him that a tsunami might hit the West Coast in 2006. “If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8. On Wednesday, he added, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest." If you heard someone on the street utter that very same remark you’d gather your family together and cross over to the other side. Stay away from the crazy man! What really amazes me is that this even makes news. There really is no downside for Robertson. If a tsunami does happen to hit he looks like a prophet. If it doesn’t his followers wont notice anyway.

Other notable Pat Robertson predictions include a 1980 Russian invasion of Israel, the end of the world in 1982, an economic collapse anytime between 1983 and 1985, a meteor strike on a gay-rights parade in 1998, and social security reform by 2008. God usually talks to Robertson during his annual prayer retreat. In 2004 Robertson emerged with news that Bush was going to win re-election in a “blowout.” Well, he was partially right. Is Pat Robertson a deeply troubled man who has used wild predictions and theories to accumulate wealth and power from simple minded yet well-meaning Americans? Or is this post an example of how there is a war on Christianity afoot? I guess your answer depends on how often God talks to you.

In lighter news, David Spade and Heather Locklear are breaking up. Wait, they were together?! How is this even possible? Spade must be incredible in the sack. His list of former hook-ups is legendary. As an aside, this story brings up two pop-culture ideas. I predict an indi-film project entitled, “David Spade’s Love Life” and t-shirts being sold with “Former David Spade Girlfriend” printed on them. Mr. Robertson, can you confirm this?

Paul McCartney also should have sought a pre-marital prediction from Robertson. It’s splitzville for he and Heather Mills. They blame the media for their breakup. Who are they kidding? No one has cared about Paul McCartney for twenty years…and that’s being generous. Personally, I blame Paul’s age and immense fortune. Mills stands to get between $350 and $750 million dollars in the divorce. Plus, she can now date a man who is NOT 69. Win-win.

Catch you cats on the flip-flop.