Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Shiny, Happy People

There are so many reasons to love American Idol, but probably none more so than seeing former celebrities mine around on stage and show off their newly remodeled faces.

Begin the thawing of Jim Nabors!

One week it was none other than The Gambler himself, Kenny Rodgers. His visage was spread across his skull so tightly that the ensuring reflection scared little children and sent people into seizures.

And Barry Manilow two weeks before? He’s been hard to watch for years.

I'm really curious to see which celebs do come on the show. It almost certainly symbolizes the end of a career, even if they are out there to hawk an album. Does anyone really care if Lionel Richie has been in the studio for the last eight years?

The day I see Niel Diamond on there is the day I die though. Please, Neil, don't hurt 'em. For the 2007 celebrity line-up I'm predicting Phil Collins, Duran Duran and Hootie and the Blowfish.

Personally, I think we should really open the competition up by having impersonators stand-in as guests. Get an Elvis impersonator up there so we can have Elvis night. He sings and dances, he is therefore as qualified as Paula to critique. Plus, he'll look more alive than these living stars. And I want the fat Vegas Evlis, not the young Memphis one. OK? OK.

This week it was the remaining members of Queen, assembled on stage with Idol contestants whose first introduction to their music was probably “Wayne's World.” Well, except for maybe that old guy with the grey hair, what ever his name is. He probably remembers, as I do, that WWF wrestler Junk Yard Dog’s theme song was “Another One Bites the Dust”. Or, even better, that Queen did the entire score to the bloated space opera “Flash Gordon.”

You do know that song, right?
Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum
Flash! Augh! Savior of the universe!


In case you haven’t seen the movie, Flash Gordon is the quarterback of the New York Jets pitted to save the earth from the terrible Emperor Ming, who also wants to steal his girlfriend.

Come to think of it, many of the stars formerly known as celebrities on American Idol resemble Ming (played by the great Max von Sydow) from that ill-fated movie. He too wore a tight expression on his face as if to say “I’d smile but it hurts”, with shiny costumes.

Pathetic earthlings.

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