Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Vivi May Have Approved Port Deal Without President's Knowledge

In a political scandal of historic proportions, news has just broke that Vivi the missing show dog may be behind the sale of six major U.S. seaports to a state-owned business in the United Arab Emirates. While this theory has thus remained unconfirmed, what we do know for certain is that the President himself had no idea about the pending sale, solidifying his position as the only man in America who can give you chills and make you mutter 'I'm not a bit surprised' in the same heartbeat.

A few facts are giving this new story some strong legs.

1. Vivi, a whippet, has gone missing since running off the tarmack at Kennedy Airport shortly after winning a prize at the Westminster dog show, right around the same time the deal in question was being approved. Experts now suspect that the show may have been an elaborate cover. The dog has remained missing despite the being sought by search parties, hellicopters, rescue dogs, and a team of psychics. Is the dog a highly skilled double agent for a foreign country?

2. The deal is far too complex for our beleaguered and bewildered President to understand and was approved while the President had been touring the Midwest giving speeches at lithium-ion research plants.

3. Vice President Dick Cheney has been absolved of any involvement because he was on a hunting trip at the time.

4. The deal in question involves the selling of six major seaports to the UAE, a Middle Eastern country that helped fund the 9/11 hijackers. Lawmakers from both parties have noted that some of the Sept. 11 hijackers used the United Arab Emirates as an operational and financial base. In addition, critics contend the UAE was an important transfer point for shipments of smuggled nuclear components sent to Iran, North Korea and Libya by a Pakistani scientist.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

In an amazing Catch 22 of sorts, most people are actually relieved the President had nothing to do with the deal. In fact, most people prefer that the President continue to tour the Midwest indefiniately, essentially taking the rest of his second term off. The administration is defending the deal with renewed vigor unsure whether to align itself with the deal it seems to have approved or attempt to distance itself from Vivi. The port deal has caused a major political backlash across party lines.

White House mouthpiece Scott McClellan lowered the boom by disclosing today that the president became aware of the deal over “the last several days”. McClellan also confirmed that Bush did not know about the sale, which has been criticized for possibly raising risks of terrorism at American ports, before it was done.

When asked if Vivi may have been involved McClellan simply replied, "We are looking into everything."

“The president made sure to check with all the Cabinet secretaries that are part of this process, or whose agencies or departments are part of this process," the spokesman said. "He made sure to check with them — even after this got more attention in the press, to make sure that they were comfortable with the decision that was made. A highly trained agent or show dog could have infiltrated the meetings and posed as a cabinet secretary."

"And every one of the Cabinet secretaries expressed that they were comfortable with this transaction being approved," he added.

Bush, now linked to the deal through his administration's approval of the deal, has threatened to use his first veto ever if the sale of the ports is stopped.

House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-ILL) offered a defense of Bush. “You people should be happy the President didn’t know about this one. I mean, how would that look?” He explained. “Selling American ports to a country with a dubious record on terrorism? Needing to sell the ports because the country is so far in debt? Had the president known about this, well, that would really stink of scandal not to mention reek of negligence.”

“And in fact he didn’t know.” Hastert concluded. “Just like he didn’t know about 9/11 before-hand, just like he didn’t know Iraq had no WMDs, just like he didn’t know that Iraq, once shocked and awed, would become a hotbed for terrorism, just like he didn’t know that Brownie wasn’t doing a heck of a job after Hurricane Katrina… I think this president has shown unprecedented resolve and consistency to not know. OK? What exactly do you people want? You re-elected the man. Hell, maybe it really was that missing show dog...Vivi. Maybe the dog approved the deal. That's as good a theory as any.”

Vivi is still missing and presumed extremely dangerous. The three-year-old whippet may also respond to the alias Champion Bohem C'est La Vie.