Bush Declares War on Oil

Contrary to popular belief and years of indoctrination by giant conglomerates, maybe oil isn't a wonderful thing. President Bush is taking this view to the streets after his State of the Union speech in which he declared that America was addicted to the dark substance created under tremendous pressure from the remains of discarded dinosaurs and ancient vegetation. This liquid, known as petroleum, has built financial empires, sparked wars, polluted the environment, and fuels your car. Bush's slogan? Just say no.

Monday, Bush toured Johnson Controls in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The company is researching new Lithium-Ion batteries for cars. He also gave an energy address regarding our dependance on oil.

“I know it came as a shock to hear a Texan stand up there in front of the country and say, ‘We got a real problem. America is addicted to oil,’” he said referring to his State of the Union speech. “But I meant it.”

Bush then segued into his slogan. “We had an addiction problem in the 1980s. Millions of Americans were getting hooked on cocaine, and heroine. The answer for our current addiction is the same now as it was then: just say no.”

Bush pressed his slogan today while visiting Golden, Colorado. “I see similarities between our decade and the 1980s. During the 1980s Ronald Reagan led our fight against an Evil Empire. And today we are fighting a global war on terrorism. In the 80s good folks were getting addicted to cocaine. And today the good people of America are addicted to oil. And I will now talk to you the way Nancy Reagan talked to Arnold and Willis some 20 years ago. You ask me what we should do and I say: just say no.”

Bush then offered a very candid and personal glimpse into his past.

“I stand before you, a Texan, a proud American. But I wasn’t always proud. You see, I too was once addicted to oil.” He paused for a moment seemingly reviewing his notes. “The addiction to oil runs deep in the heart of Texas. There were many college nights that I don’t even remember. I’d just wake up with black stains all over my face. Black stains on my hands. I snorted it. I smoked it. I injected it. I sold it to others. I was an oil junkie and an oil pusher. My family built an empire on it that vaulted two men into the White House.”

“But now, thanks to a personal fortune, I am able to stand in front of you and say that I have kicked the habit and you must do the same. Air Force One flew me here, a giant limo drove me here, and I promise you they will someday not be fueled by the dark gold that flows from the veins of the earth but by a renewable source of energy.”

Then, in another echo of the 1980s, Bush declared war on Oil. “We have a problem and we are going to solve it the only way America knows how: to declare war and appoint some kind of czar or figurehead to lead the fight. We are at war with drugs and winning. Only the super-rich and celebrities snort cocaine these days. Only pot remains a socially acceptable drug. Only in the inner-cities is the career of 'drug pusher' a status symbol. We will do the same with oil.”

Will his tour be a success? Will his new slogan resonate with those in the heartland? Only time will tell. Bush wrapped up his tour today, climbed back aboard the giant Air Force One, and climbed off into the sky…leaving a thick stench of burning fumes behind him.