Bush Appoints Bolton To Reform Baseball

Six months ago Rafael Palmeiro seemed insulted to be summoned before a congressional hearing on steroids. He was indignant as he pointed a finger at his questioners. He was forceful in saying that he had never used steroids. Monday he was found guilty of using steroids. Luckily he has the president's support.

"Rafael Palmeiro is a friend. He testified in public and I believe him. He's the kind of person that's going to stand up in front of the klieg lights and say he didn't use steroids, and I believe him. Still do." The President said.

Faced with the dilemma of holding onto a longstanding personal belief that Rafael Palmeiro was an ethical, professional player who never used steroids even though the evidence is clearly against it, the President defended Palmeiro. He then declared that he would send John Bolton to "reform" Major League Baseball.

"Players, like my good friend Rafael Palmeiro, who has 3000 hits, and over 500 home runs, are being railroaded by a bad system. Good people are being accused of cheating. The system obviously needs reform and that's why I am going to send John Bolton as ambassador to Major League Baseball."

Bolton, criticized for being a hot-headed diplomat, once said, "Baseball could lose 10 teams and no one would miss it."

Though the declaration silenced the room of journalists, it follows closely with the time-honored White House strategy of denying facts, and attacking those who reported the facts. In 2002, when the UN and others reported that Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction, the White House chose to ignore the argument and invade anyway. Now the White House declares that the UN needs reform.

In other news, fundamentalist conservatives expressed shock over finding out Supreme Court nominee John Roberts did pro-bono work for a gay rights case, and for homeless people receiving welfare funds.

"Here's a man who is supposed to be a Christian, and he's trying to increase people's rights?" Said, John Hampton, of Sunnyview Christian Church in Oshkosh, WI. "Doesn't he read the Bible? People aren't capable of figuring out what is best for them. They need the Word, they need priests, they need to be led like sheep. And do think he did it pro-bono...for free? He could have at least taken their sinful money."