Presidential Debate 3: Up with lefties!

I have dutifully sat through all three presidential debates, the final one tonight, and what ever else may happen, this much is clear: it has been a victory for southpaws everywhere. By observing closely--specifically as Obama and McCain scrawled on their legal pads--I ascertained that no matter who wins, the next leader of the free world will be a lefty (just another thing both agree on).

This has happened before. I dug through Google and discovered that in 1992 all three candidates--Bill Clinton, George H.W. Bush, and Ross Perot--were left handed. In-fact, lefties have dominated recent White House races. Six of the last 12 presidents have been written with the wrong hand: Harry Truman, Gerald Ford, Ronald Reagan, Bush, Clinton, and now either Obama or McCain. Why do lefties--approximately 10% of the population--continually rise to the top in presidential elections? And was this key in Hillary Clinton's defeat? (she's a righty)

It's a well-known fact that left-handers are not only cooler, but better equiped for the job as president. To compare Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton by their lateral brain functions is almost a succinct rundown of their prevailing attributes.

Left-brained (Hillary): analytical, verbal, logical, exact, present and past, literal. Right-brained (Obama): intuitive, holistic, synthesizing, and forward looking.

No need to even mention George W. Bush, who is presumably a righty since he was not on the list above, but probably isn't sure which hand to write with, or when to write, or what part of his brain to use.

So I, for one, welcome our new left-handed overloards. I'd like to remind them, as a leftie myself, I can be very helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves.

In-case you're wondering, Obama off-set any left-brained deficiencies by selecting righty Joe Biden as his running mate. McCain picked Sarah Palin, who, even if she is right-handed, had a tanning bed installed in her executive mansion in Juneau, Alaska.

So, I give a Debate III (this time it's personal) victory to Obama, who wrote with a stylish thin pen. McCain scrawled over page after page with a big fat sharpie. Creepy.

"Saved" Stem Cells Headed for Destruction

Apparently the only thing President Bush cares more about than saving lives is not saving them. Yesterday Bush vetoed, for the second time, a stem cell research bill. Today congress blocked the administrations request for $89 billion to develop a new generation of nuclear missiles.

Could the juxtaposition be any more evident?

About the stem cell bill, Bush said yesterday, "If this legislation became law, it would compel American taxpayers for the first time in our history to support the deliberate destruction of human embryos. I will not allow our nation to cross this moral line."

Supporters of the veto seem to care little that the embryos that Bush ceremoniously "saved" are slated to be discarded anyway. Instead the hopes of millions of Americans, and the potential for scientific advancement, wastes away on a paper thin federal budget. Not that there's any money to spare in the budget anyway, with $90 being asked to enhance our nuclear arsenal.

The perpetually heated and contentious stem cell issue is mainly fueled by ignorance, which is exactly why it somehow finds its way onto voting ballots come election time where wide-eyed, sheep-like voters can weigh in on the issue. The rhetoric is heated, it boils down to a simple matter of life and death. With such a clear moral and ethical objective, and a divine mandate, why is it not reprehensible for potential life to be created and remain frozen in IVF clinics? Why is it not abhorrent for that potential life to be discarded and destroyed?

Those who find Bush's veto comforting are deluding themselves. There is not even a debate in anything other than the partisan sense of the term. The veto has not saved any lives. The stem cells in question will be discarded. Therefore the only thing that has been stopped are potential cures for fatal and debilitating diseases. Where's the moral or ethical ground in that?

Top 5 Conservative Issues That Aren't as Bad as You Think

I'll admit, I kinda like Glenn Beck. His personal story is very compelling and admirable. After reading it I have to believe he's capable of empathy, unlike so many other conservatives who are sheltered, scared white men. So, I just don't get his take on certain issues. Immigrants not speaking English? Cartoon movies promoting gay rights? Is Boo Radley around the corner too? This country faces serious problems. I don't think things like people's willingness to come here to work is one of them. Having vanquished shadowy foes of Christmas, fearfuls are scrounging for the next big problem that isn't. I'll help them out, here's my top 5 conservative issues that aren't as bad as you think.

5. Immigrants who don't speak English. Not a problem? Unpossible! Not everyone who comes here speaks English right off the bat. Your family probably didn't. My great-grandparents spoke German. They learned English. It'll happen. Most Americans don't even speak decent English anyway.

4. The War on Christmas. Uh, right. The President sends out a Christmas card every year. We light a giant Christmas tree in New York City, a pit of liberalism, every year. We scuttle into Wal Mart and empty our pockets at the alter of capitalism in the name of Christmas every year. We do have a real war going on in Iraq that was ill-conceived and ill-implemented to the cost of thousands of lives. We'd better steal a win in the "War on Christmas" (and sell books about it), for morale's sake.

3. Gay marriage. Not. A. Problem. If two people of the same sex want to get married it doesn't taint my marriage one bit. In-fact, by their own logic, it probably keeps traditional marriage much more sanctified. Hello, Ted Haggard, anyone? Here's a concept: go live your life and try to be happy. Each day has enough problems of its own.

2. Stem-Cell research. You believe life begins at conception? Fine, I'll allow that because, well, who knows for sure? But if that's your position then you view IVF as a literal killing field right? (Somewhere, a big dog barked....) Why is there an outcry on positive research conducted on embryos doomed to die anyway? The bigger issue, I would imagine, would be the practice that creates the embryos in the first place. Get it right.

1. The 10 Commandments. Our behavior wasn't that great when the 10 Commandments were up in schools and other public places. Those praying for the Commandments to be put back up probably can't even list them off, al-la Lynn Westmoreland. Besides, since when does legislating religion equal spirituality anyway? That idea has to make Jesus cry.

Just for fun, Top 5 major problems fearfuls don't want to talk about...

5. The huge federal deceit
4. The average American being in debt
3. The simple fact that countries/people we used to be able to push around now have the means to make our lives miserable
2. Health care reform
1. Iraq: the growing sinkhole

Stem Cells Ease Muscle Disease in Dogs

In promising new research, adult stem cells worked remarkably well at easing symptoms of muscular dystrophy in dogs, an experiment that experts call a significant step toward treating people.

This is how smart scientists are, people. They're going to use stem cell research to help dogs first, thereby reducing objections among humans. Even though the less controversial adult stem cells were used in this case, I predict resistance to the all stem cell research should begin to fall if more dogs are healed. I mean look at how cute that dog is! What a good puppy!

Listen, let's be frank, people love dogs. Who couldn't love a dog? A godless communist! Thus, if dogs can be helped by stem cell research what type of person wouldn't be in favor of it? I would like to meet the heartless bastard who would rather see a dog suffer than helped. How can you be for saving embryos if you yourself lack a soul? How can you be against helping puppy dogs and little kittens? Gee, mister, what did that puppy ever do to you? What a cute puppy!

You see, ignoring human suffering is part of the human condition and the movies have desensitized us even further. But one area even the movies fear to tread is the shadowy realm of animal abuse. One sure way to establish a villain's defilement is to have him harm a helpless animal. All bets are off if that happens and you know you're dealing with a tough son of a bitch. Even in Borat there's a scene where it looks like he's going to slit a chicken's throat, and, after all of the other insane things he'd done in the movie, I thought, he can't slit that chicken's throat! That's going too far! He can fool people into thinking he's a journalist and then humiliate them on film, but I'll be damned if I'll see a chicken get harmed.*

If I have this weakness then surely you must have it. You may not care about humans suffering and dying from would-be treatable diseases but what if your little Fluffy could be helped? What about Mr. Biggles or Fu-fu? What if they could be renewed by the power of the blood? Ahh, now that *is* something indeed. After all, what has that dog ever asked of you? That dog has shown you love even when you got fired from your job. That dog was there when you broke up with your boyfriend. What a good dog! Sit. Stay! Good puppy!

As one in favor of stem cell research I can tell you that knowing puppies are being helped warmed my heart much more than, say, Michael J. Fox. Call me crazy, but if my prior existence as a ministry student and Republican has taught me anything it's that the human element can be so easily discarded. But what science and puppies have taught me is that there's more to life than not caring about people. Pets matter! I suppose then that even people matter! Life, my friends....life matters!

I'll bet even Rush Limbaugh, who so easily attacked the afflicted Fox, had a pet when he was a kid. Maybe he didn't and that is why he is the way he is. But even if he grew into one of those teenagers abusing animals, I'm willing to bet there's still a cold spot in his heart that longs for the warm, unconditional love that only a dog can give. What a good puppy!

Let celebrities die if you must, Mr. Limbaugh, all you who hate science and progress, but I dare you to let dogs suffer. What a good dog! Give us a kiss! Good puppy!


*no chickens were harmed

Read the original story here.

Election Tactics Heat Up

Google-bombs, interracial sex, shots at people suffering from Parkinson's disease--all at the same time? It must be time for an election!

A group of clever liberals has come up with a way to make Google's search algorithm work for them during the election. The idea, dubbed Google-bombing, was first outlined by Chris Bowers of MyDD. It involves buying Google AdWords so that negative articles appear next to key Republicans up for election. It's an attempt to sway those who may be searching for more information about someone like George Allen (R-VA) before voting. Of course it's our belief that if you don't know the difference between George Allen and George Webb, or Claire McCaskill and Jim Talent and you're just not trying.

Speaking of McCaskill v Talent, the Missouri Senate race has become extremely close and is now reaching the national state as a key state in 2006. The big issue in this race is stem cell research. Michael J. Fox, who was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in 1991, appeared in a TV ad urging Missouri voters to support stem cell research. Fox swayed uncontrolably during the commerical--or was he just over-acting? Rush Limbaugh became so upset that he accused Fox of not taking his medication, exacerbating his Parkinson's symptoms, and preying on public sympathy.



Personally, I think it takes a lot of brass to rip on a guy who has a degenerative disorder of the central nervous system. I mean that's so low-class and distasteful it's no wonder Rush has to pop pain-killers to get through the day with himself.

It must be pretty frustrating to live with PD knowing that maybe there could be a cure if only stem cells, which are going to be destryoed anyway, could be used for reasearch. Yeah, I'll bet that sucks. But some see it differently. Opponents have responded in-kind with a commercial featuring Cardinal pitcher Jeff Suppan, former Rams quarterback Kurt Werner, and the guy who played Jesus in Passion of the Christ, telling Missourians to block the stem-cell bill because it could lead to human cloning.

Speaking of ads, the worst campaign commercial of the week goes to the Bob Corker and the RNC. This thing is so bad Corker wanted it pulled but RNC chairman Ken Mehlman pointed that it was beyond his control. It sort of sounds like how we've been running Iraq for the last three years. The add incites speculation that Congressman Harold Ford Jr. may have had—gasp--interracial sex with a white woman from the Playboy mansion. The idea is driven home at the end of the ad when the woman begs Ford to call her.

The NAACP called it “a powerful innuendo that plays to pre-existing prejudices about African-American men and white women.” Even Bob Corker called the add “distasteful.” Mehlman called it "fair."



Adults having sex? This really shows how messed up we are, doesn't it? Those who scratch their head at this kind of behavior are the Republicans, who effectively forfeited the moral high ground after spending a lot of time in white collar crime and recently committing and covering up acts of pedophilia. You can see now why they find Harold Ford's alleged behavior so odd and atypical. Can he really make it in an environment where people fudge their finances, prey on minors, and cheat on their wives?

I for one welcome the new trend of sex between consenting adults. This Ford guy sounds like a real visionary. Maybe he'll go into the Senate and shake things up a little.