Monday, January 14, 2008

What the World Needs

The world needs more books about the Beatles. The collective body of knowledge on this group simply cries out for more research, the subject matter begs for further examination. At any given moment there are no more than fifty books on the greatest band of all time on the shelves at Borders. By the time I get my latte only three new ones been added to the discount table. We can do better.

The world also needs more Hummers. No, not the good kind. Yes, the H1s, H2s, and H3s. I have to drive at least five minutes before I see one on the road these days. Why? What's not to like? Nothing speaks to your endowment like driving a giant, shiny, military-grade vehicle around the streets of your suburb.

The world also needs more experts, on everything. It's obvious that our current problems are due to lack of information. We could really use more debate and articulation on the issues. What we need are more experts, and fewer generalists. More specialists, and fewer renaissance people.

While I'm at it I think the world needs more crap on television, even more television channels, and more televisions. And while we're there we should all take a moment and sympathize with the writers who are currently on strike, during the rainy season, in Los Angeles, California.

The world could use another Clinton in the White House.

The world could use the Patriots going undefeated this season. And now that Tony Romo is out of the play-offs, the world needs, more than ever, an extra helping of Tom Brady. The world needs more quarterbacks dating, and perhaps impregnating, beautiful supermodels. The world needs more pregnancies.

The world needs less coverage about Darfur, more coverage about Iraq, more rhetoric about Iran, less attention on Pakistan, and more countries added to the "axis of evil."

The world could use barristers in McDonalds, and more McDonalds in Wal Marts, and more Wal Marts.

More Viagra commercials. I love seeing men so excited about their rediscovered ability to have an erection that they meet in a folksy bar off a dusty highway and break into song. Shouldn't they be sleeping with someone? The clock is ticking. Oh, I get it. The world could use more music and less sex.

The world could use more people who want to tell everyone else how to live but can't get their own lives under any semblance of order or control. And the world highly stresses those people to enter politics.

Don't you think the world could use more of John Hagee, Ted Haggard, James Dobson, and Mike Huckabee?

The world is in need of more bottled water, more camera phones, more iPhones, more televisions in refrigerators, more DVD players in minivans, and more minivans.

The world needs more people to buy those items advertised on late night television--the thing that vacuum-seals your leftover meat products; the thing that can cut a can in half, or a rusty nail; those gloves you slip on that can peal a potato. Who buys this stuff? We need more of you.

The would needs Led Zeppelin to re-unite and go on a world tour. I'm serious about this one. And the world needs Zep to come to Minneapolis on said tour. And the world needs them to play a twenty minute version of "Kashmir." And during the concert the people behind me need to talk the entire time and everyone in my row needs to shuffle past me to use the can.

Contrary to popular opinion, the world does not need more love. Even if it's sweet love.

The world needs more bloggers, amateur and professional critics, people who are ready at a moment's notice to register their disgust throughout the world. What the world needs more of is expression of this kind, more venting, more analysis, more narcissism. I have a voice. I was once Time's person of the year. I have internet access, and spell check. The world needs more of me.

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