Wednesday, October 10, 2007

'24' actor Kiefer Sutherland gets 48 days in jail

Kiefer: Goddamn this is good whiskey. I love sitting here by my pool in beautiful Southern California, enjoying a cold glass of Jim Beam. It really takes the edge off when I'm not trying to save the world from terrorists, or some other major fiasco, in a predetermined amount of time. God, that's just so much pressure.

(Phone rings.)

Kiefer answers: Yes, Mr. President?

Lawyer: Kiefer, this isn't the president. It's your lawyer.

Kiefer: Oh, right, right. I was just fucking with you. What do you need? Is something catastrophic about to occur? Am I needed in some extraordinary fashion?

Lawyer: Well, not exactly. Listen, Kiefer, I have some bad news...

Kiefer: Someone is planning to bomb CTC? Is the nation in trouble? Arabs?

Lawyer: This is serious,

Kiefer: Fox let my contract expire? Well tell them to kiss my ass, OK? Do you know where I am? I'm sitting here by my pool, with a bottle of Jim Beam. There's a beautiful broad sunning herself against my left thigh. I just ate spare ribs off the small of her back. See what I'm saying?

Lawyer: Yes, well, be that as it may...

Kiefer takes a slow sip)

Kiefer: Ahhh hell yes. Hey, honey, switch thighs will ya? Goddamn that's good shit.

Yes, I'm sure it is. Listen, Kiefer that's what I want to talk to you about.

Kiefer: That's some gooooood shit. Yeow!

Lawyer: remember your recent DUI conviction? Well that was your second one. It violated your probation and you're going to spend 48 days in jail.

Kiefer: Yeah, sure. Put me in prison. I like that. The scene begins with Jack Bauer in dark, cold prison cell. The warden comes in with Jack's lunch on a metal tray. In a flash, Jack grabs the tray and smashes it into the man's trachea, grabs the keys, and disguises himself as the warden. Tell Fox I'm down.

Lawyer: Kiefer, I'm not talking about your television show. For real, you're going to spend time in prison. And if you try to break out it will make matters much worse.

The fuck you talking about? Jail? I'm a hero.

Lawyer: Do you remember pleading no contest?

Kiefer: I thought the charge was just for, you know, due diligence and all that shit. I'm a hero and I'm being charged with a crime? I'm-that's what's happening? This is funny, you know that, this is--get up, honey, daddy needs to yell into the phone.

Lawyer: Kiefer, it's only 48 days..

Kiefer: I'm Jack Bauer. I off terrorists. I defend the nation. I break *out* of prisons. Motherfucker, what am I paying you for? To get me thrown *in* jail? Don't you know my name by now?

Kiefer, this is for real.

Kiefer: I'm for real, you little shit. Did you see what I did last season? After being tortured in a Chinese prison for 20 months I stopped terrorists from detonating suitcase nuclear devices on American soil! I averted a war between the US and Russia, while being serviced by women in my trailer between shots. I ain't got time to bleed.

Lawyer: The time has to be served by next July. My advice is...

Kiefer: I shook up the world. You hear me? I'm an American hero. This is an elaborate plot by liberals, or nationalists, or who-ever-the fucks. I'm now on trial, not for my love of Jim Beam, but my pursuit of justice and security. Much like the upcoming season of my hit series '24.'

Lawyer: I'm very sorry. I assure you I did all I could.

Kiefer: You fuckin' people. You have no idea how to defend a nation. All you did was weaken a country today. That's all you did. You put people in danger. You want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. Jack Bauer isn't going to any prison. Not after what the Chinese did to me. Over my dead body, and I'll see you in hell. I'm not going back into that hole.

(Hangs up the phone. Finishes off his whiskey. Loads his revolver.).

Kiefer: Honey, get in the bunker. It's time. Season 8 of '24.'

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