Rapper Kanye West fired a barrage at the MTV Video Music Awards after watching Britney Spears open the show with a wobbly, unprepared performance to a bewildered audience. West accused the multinational conglomerate of artist exploitation.
"Man, they were just trying to get ratings," West declared. "They knew she wasn't ready and they exploited her. They exploited her, they played me and I really don't mess with MTV."
West showed off his famous college-level intelligence by adeptly putting his thumb on something all of us have been thinking all these years: that the VMA awards are an over-hyped, ratings-focused, sham which cares little about the music. You just can't get anything past that guy.
"What? He was serious?" an anonymous MTV spokesman replied. "Honestly, we thought that was part of his act or something. You know, the angry rapper bit. Was anyone not aware that we were exploiting our artists? I'm stunned this even needs to be mentioned. This is the entertainment industry. We treat the talent like circus animals. They even sign a waiver saying they accept being exploited. The trade-offs are far too great. Would anyone give a shit about Mrs. Spears or Mr. West if we weren't prostituting their sex appeal and skills?"
West seemed surprised and disturbed by his newfound insight. "Hell, now that I think of it, maybe even the Grammys are just hype and bullshit," He mused.
"You may not know this," West went on, "but the music industry really doesn't care about artists. All they want is another album. There, I've said it. Oh, sure, it all looks like sugar plums and moon pies on the outside, but it can be a cold, heartless business, viewing artists as a commodity and keeping them complacent by a steady diet of drugs, sex, and attention. I know, I know. Once again I've shocked you."
"While I'm at it I'm going to also say that most, no, wait, all corporations are probably motivated by greed. You think big oil may be behind the lag in fuel efficiency standards in this country? Probably! You know what else? I'm going to drop a realm bomb here: those presidential candidates who say they feel your pain? They're just saying that, see, so you'll vote for them. Are you getting all this down?"
West, who threw a wide-ranging tantrum backstage after losing all five VMA categories he was nominated for, also lashed out at Justin Timberlake, Nelly, God, the Bill of Rights, Islamofascim, the Jewish lobby, fat free lard, gravity, and Billy Crystal.
"This was a real wake-up call for me," said West, wrapped in a dark gray mink coat on the unusually cold Las Vegas morning. "I've got to go sit in my gold plated hot tub and think long and hard about this. Perhaps I've been exploited, and perhaps I've been doing some exploiting of my own. You see? That's deep. But I've learned one thing: there's more to being a rapper than being completely establishment and freaking out over who wins what award and who opens on the main stage. It's not about that. No, it's not even about having a hot, young, sexy thing in my bed every night of the week. It's not about me, or my health, or my rocket car. It's about the goddamn music. Respect it."