Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Bush Mourns Death of Captain America

"He was a vigilant ally in America's fight against tyranny."

Today President Bush mourned the loss of one of America's greatest super heroes. Steve Rogers, better known as Captain America, was shot and killed by a sniper as he mounted the courthouse steps to stand trial after defying the superhero registration law quietly passed as a line item in the Patriot Act. Rogers, who fought Hitler, Tojo, Communism and an array of supervillians was one of America's most famous and beloved icons. His death was reported in the latest edition of the popular comic book Captain America.

"I was stunned when I read the report. I'm sure we all were. Americans have access to the same intelligence reports I do," Bush said, waving a colorful magazine-like pamphlet.

"Today, we grieve the loss of a great American," Bush said in a White House press conference. "Steve Rogers embodied all of the things we love about America. He was a tough, white male, who draped himself in a flag-like costume and warded off evil with a giant shield. America needs more men like Steve Rogers. He was a vigilant ally in America's fight against tyranny."

Bush remarked candidly when asked who would replace Captain America.

"Well, no doubt our intelligence showed he was doing remarkable work against terror cells here and abroad. Every week or so I would get a colorful report showing his latest efforts. I liked to read it first thing in the morning. I liked them so much I kept them all in a shoe box under my bed. But don't lose hope. We still have many superheros in the fight: Superman, Batman, The Green Lantern..."

Captain America is planned to be laid to rest at Arlington National Cemetery but rumors of a possible resurrection are already circulating around the internet. Superhero resurrections are surprisingly common, and Marvel Comics has not ruled the possibility out.

"He's a superhero. We can do what ever we want with him," said a spokesperson. Peter Parker was unavailable for comment.

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