Tuesday, January 02, 2007

The Virgil Goode American Entrence Exam (abridged)

For administrative use only. The Virgil Goode Citizenship exam can also be used in-place of any job application, loan application, or national security questionnaire.

Dear immigrant, please answer the following questions as carefully as you can.

1. My (first and last) name is: _________ . If your name does not fit on that line please subtract 5 points.

2. My country of origin is:

A. Canada or England (5 points)
B. Some other Western country (2 points)
C. Some other country (-5 points)

3. Is English your native language?

A. Yes (5 points)
B. No (-5 points)

4. My skin color is:

A. White (5 points)
B. Other (-5 points)

5. I would describe America as:

A. A country founded on the right of freedom and equality--essential human rights which allow for self-determination, freedom of religion and freedom of speech. (-5 points)
B. A nation God blessed for being faithful (5 points)

6. "All men are created equal" means:

A. All people are inherently equal and should be treated as such (-5 points)
B. Some people are more equal than others (5 points)

7. My belief about the 10 Commandments is:

A. I am Christian and the 10 Commandments are framed on my wall (5 points)
B. I do not care about the 10 Commandments (0 points)
B. I believe Moses was a great prophet of God, and my belief system calls me to apply the principles of the 10 Commandments to my life. This is in alignment with my Muslim faith. (-5 points)

8. My view of religion is:

A. It is a private and personal matter and certainly should not be criteria for granting immigration to a country founded on freedom of religion (-5 points)
B. A person's religion can tell us almost everything we need to know about that person (5 points)

9. I believe the 1st amendment says:

A. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. (-5 points).
B. Some stuff about Jesusland (5 points)

10. The requirements to serve in the House of Representatives are:

A. In order to be a member of the House of Representatives, you have to be at least 25 years old and you have to have been a citizen of the U.S. for at least seven years. (-5 points)
B. In order to be a member of the House of Representatives you must be white, Christian, and use every tool at your disposal to ensure America remains mostly white and Christian. (5 points)

Thank you, potential citizen. Now, please tally up your score and hand in your paper to the clerk who will then shred your test and decide whether or not you should be a citizen based solely on how you look.

God Bless.

*please see our security guard


Aya said...

is it real?

maven said...

No, just a joke. Hmm, maybe it's too cynical.

Aya said...

ok..., no, it's my english! ;)
The other day I watched a documental about ALIEN (this word for me is like ET, it's so awful) immigration in TV and was so xenophobic and strange that I thought that was ireal. You Know, when you speak other language more on less, sometimes you can´t grasp the cynicism or the irony.

maven said...

Well, who knows what Virgil Goode wants. His comments betray some deep-seeded prejudices though. I think "xenophobic" applies to him as well. Very nice word!!!