"My fellow Americans: Major combat operations in the war to preserve Christmas have ended. In the battle for Christmas, the United States has prevailed," the president announced.
The surprising announcement came amid backlash from the Iraq Study Group's report which showed the administration's policies in Iraq have been a sad and terrible failure.
"The American people have spoken, and their voice has been heard across this great land," Bush continued. "I'm happy to announce that Christmas is once again secure. Americans can sleep peacefully at night knowing this great holiday is back in the capable hands of super-store greeters and check-out clerks."
In a recent Zogby poll 95 percent said they were not offended by a "Merry Christmas" greeting in stores. However, 32 percent of respondents said they took offense at "Happy Holidays," the religiously neutral alternative promoted over the last few years as inclusive and inoffensive.
Wal-Mart, the heartless, multinational conglomerate known for it's slavish Chinese factories, lack of health-benefits, and crushing business practices, now allows its greeters to wish shoppers "Merry Christmas."Somewhere John Gibson began work on a new book entitled "The War to Take Back Christmas: How a Liberal Plot Led the Sacred Christian Holiday into the Hands of Money Changers."