Iran's Dear President Bush Letter

Dear Mr. President Bush,

Greetings, how are you? On behalf of the people of the Islamic Republic of Iran, and their Supreme Leader, I, President Mahmouud Ahmadinejad, send you greetings. I hope this letter finds you well. I truly hope we can reach a peaceful resolution to this sticky situation we are in. I believe mutual respect, like fission, is elusive but not unattainable.

We are not too different, you and I. We both honor traditions and embrace our destiny. We both also understand the precarious nature of world events. Yes, one day you're up and the next you are down. This, I need not tell you, is unlike gas prices. Ah, yes, petroleum, has its dark grip on us all, doesn't it? Demand keeps going up and up and recent unsettling events here in the Middle East have really sent the price skyward! But I will not point any fingers because you understand all of this, Mr. President. I know you are no fool. We are both men of oil. And we know it will not last forever, that it can be, literally and figuratively, a dirty business. That is why I'm sure you can understand why Iran believes it is no less than sovereign right to have nuclear power. Why should we be at the whims of that Petrol? You've seen what it can do. Fortunes have been made from it, but many have also died for it.

I'm sure you can also understand, in light of recent circumstances with our neighbor Iraq, how important nuclear power is to Iran. To explain to you the value of it would be only to insult your intelligence. We saw how India and Pakistan, neither of whom signed the NPT, were granted gracious respect and treatment after achieving fission. Once vagabonds, now preeminent guests at the most important party in history. It is the secret password to the clubhouse. We know. Indeed, it is the mark by which any modern country is measured. Saddam did not have it, angered the wrong people, and now Saddam sits in a pen on trial. The world teaches hard lessons. It is a brutal taskmaster. But we have learned graciously.

Iran is no threat to you and our rhetoric about Israel is just old in-fighting. You have a brother. Did you wrestle and fight? Did you claw at each other's eyes and bite fingers? Did you hate him the way only brothers can hate? But also love the way only brothers can love? Boys will be boys.
I hope we can have some face-time together, perhaps a summit. I would like that, always fun.
I know you are a man who loves nicknames, so, I insist you call me "Max." Let's face it, we both know it's lonely at the top. It's not easy to be misunderstood. I too grow weary constantly having my vision questioned. I must defend myself to acolytes? People are so shortsighted sometimes. I know you know how I feel.

In closing, remember your traditions. Never stop honoring them. Never turn away. Seize your God-given destiny. Hold on to these and in the end you will find favor.

Sincerely,

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ("Max")
President
Islamic Republic of Iran

ps
Who do you think will win "American Idol"?