Thursday, May 04, 2006

Bush, Cheney, Iran, Blaine, Cruise all Compete for My Headline

Whew, there’s a lot going on today. For starters, the president has promised to veto a spending bill. You don’t believe me do you? You probably don’t believe me because, well, he’s never vetoed anything. Congress passed an emergency spending bill but tagged on an extra $15 billion. Bush, to uphold a conservative value of fiscal responsibility, says he will veto. Better late than never I guess. Congress to Bush: Bring it on.

In slightly more believable news Dick Cheney has offended an entire country, and by “country” I mean Russia. And by “Dick Cheney” I mean Dick Cheney Defender of Civil Liberties. Today he accused Russia of smacking down political and religious rights. Cheney also accused Russia of using its oil reserves as a tool of blackmail. Meanwhile the United States is seeking Russia’s cooperation in punishing Iran. I know, I know, we don't need the Russians when we can unleash our Vice President on the unsuspecting world.

Speaking of Iran, it criticized a proposed U.N. resolution on its nuclear program that carries the threat of sanctions. Iran’s top U.N. envoy Ambassador Javad Zarif said it was regrettable the United States, Britain and France were taking a confrontational approach because "there are a multitude of possibilities for finding a peaceful resolution." Ambassador Zarif gave no indication of what those possibilities are.

Gay marriage is under attack in Massachusetts of all places. Voters wish to put an amendment on the 2008 ballot to define marriage as a union between one man and one woman. This is an attempt to circumvent the court’s 2003 ruling which cleared the way for same-sex marriages. At this rate perhaps the best strategy is to pass an amendment defining gay marriage as a union between one man and one man or one woman and one woman, and the rest can just keep out if they don’t like it and leave them alone. You can be sexist and get on the Supreme Court. You can be a drunk, a drug user, a liar, a felon and get into government. But if you’re gay? You can’t even get married.

Like father like son? Rep. Patrick Kennedy, son of Ted Kennedy, crashed his car near the U.S. Capitol today at 3 a.m. I’m sure he was driving home after a late-night session on The Hill and will be cleared of any foul play.

M:I:III is in theaters. For those of you who don’t speak stupid, that’s Mission:Impossible:III. It's the KFC of movies, folks (remember the chain formerlly known as Kentuckey Fried Chicken?). When did everything get so short and cryptic? It's title minnimization. We've gone acronym crazy! It makes me want to ROTFLMAO.

And in the “Who Cares” category, David Blaine has submerged himself in water, enclosed in a spherical tank, in the middle of Manhattan. He plans on staying in the tank for one week. Why? Because chicks dig it. OK? Why else.

No comments: