Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Please Hammer Do Harm Me

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful--and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people--and neither do we." - George W. Bush, 43rd president.

Ahh, good ol Dubya. We laughed when he said this, another Bushism, during his campaign in 2004. We turned out and re-elected the dumb bastard and sent that weenie Kerry packing. But who really would have thought Bush was so serious about making good on that campaign promise? I thought campaign promises were just for sound bites and votes, not pledges to be followed up on. But I was wrong.

Making good on his campaign promise, Bush has managed to continuously harm Americans. Of course his first term was full unimaginable ways, starting with ignoring terrorism until four airliners were hijacked and used to kill 3000 Americans, to directing that terrible flop, Vietnam the Remake. His second term has been no less harmful: from nominating Michael “Brownie” Brown to run the Federal Emergency Management Agency, to nominating Harriet Meirs to the Supreme Court.

We know how the Brown selection turned out: just as planned. Hurricane Katrina showed up and flooded New Orleans. Brown checked his tie while thousands of Americans—mostly black—waited for help. And waited. And died. A big victory for harm.
Brown’s nomination, which stank of cronyism, was so disastrously harmful that the Harriet Meir’s was forced to withdraw her nomination for similar reasons, under the “unqualified lackey” clause. Had Brown not done his job so well, she may have been confirmed. Ah well, you can’t inflict harm every time.

But now your president is engaged in far more shadowy and secretive ways to harm you: by spying on you. No, it’s not legal for someone to bug your phone without a warrant, but the president will do so anyway. The constitution? Civil liberties? These are the very things that may get you killed by terrorists, and must be circumvented for your own safety, right? How is the president supposed to properly harm you if he has to discuss his methods before-hand and get the approved by a judge? Are you crazy? This is what you asked for—a determined and unrelenting president who will use even powers he does not have to harm you--and now you’re going to flip-flop?

Luckily, the NSA has been illegally spying on hundreds of people since the days after 9/11. Thankfully, this represents a dramatic shift in policy. Up until this time we had limited spying on American soil only to foreign embassies and ambassadors’ hotel rooms. What’s the point of that if you can’t harm real Americans?

Thankfully, what you may not know can get you spied on. What most Americans don’t know is that we have a special court, known as the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Court, which gives its permission before intelligence officers can conduct surveillance on US soil. This is because of the whole checks and balances nonsense to keep the executive branch—the branch you rousingly re-elected--from just doing what ever it wants. Basically the courts keep you from doing what ever you want. Can you believe that? In America?

But since the administration’s motives are pure, the judicial branch need not be involved. The judicial branch is only for impure motives. Administration officials have issued a robust defense of the spying, saying they have prevented several terrorist attacks. The alleged bugging program is reminiscent of the widespread abuse of power by the security services during the Vietnam War. If it was important to illegally monitor peace-loving hippies during that time, how much more important is it to illegally monitor you, as possible American with terrorist ties?
Thankfully, due to this reasoning, the special court has been completely circumvented so your president can get on with what he does best: harming.

Sometimes I just can't believe it, this man is our President. I have to Google it just to be sure. And my concerns are subsided when I type in "43rd president" and this comes up.

And some day your kids will open up their history books, the ones with all the previous presidents on the inside cover, and George W. Bush will be there among the others: Washington, Lincoln, Nixon, and Reagan. He'll be couched between Clinton and Clinton and your kids will ask about him. "Was he a good president?" And you'll remember whistfully, "Yes, he was a true American. He harmed us."

All that flack about the President’s un-Christian Christmas card would have been nothing compared with the fallout that would have occurred if he had not been harming us diligently, if he had actually gone to the courts who probably would have denied such an outrageously harmful request. Thank goodness we have a crafty and clever guy in place to find every loop hole to harm you, and a president who will do what ever the vice president says.

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