Top 5 Conservative Issues That Aren't as Bad as You Think

I'll admit, I kinda like Glenn Beck. His personal story is very compelling and admirable. After reading it I have to believe he's capable of empathy, unlike so many other conservatives who are sheltered, scared white men. So, I just don't get his take on certain issues. Immigrants not speaking English? Cartoon movies promoting gay rights? Is Boo Radley around the corner too? This country faces serious problems. I don't think things like people's willingness to come here to work is one of them. Having vanquished shadowy foes of Christmas, fearfuls are scrounging for the next big problem that isn't. I'll help them out, here's my top 5 conservative issues that aren't as bad as you think.

5. Immigrants who don't speak English. Not a problem? Unpossible! Not everyone who comes here speaks English right off the bat. Your family probably didn't. My great-grandparents spoke German. They learned English. It'll happen. Most Americans don't even speak decent English anyway.

4. The War on Christmas. Uh, right. The President sends out a Christmas card every year. We light a giant Christmas tree in New York City, a pit of liberalism, every year. We scuttle into Wal Mart and empty our pockets at the alter of capitalism in the name of Christmas every year. We do have a real war going on in Iraq that was ill-conceived and ill-implemented to the cost of thousands of lives. We'd better steal a win in the "War on Christmas" (and sell books about it), for morale's sake.

3. Gay marriage. Not. A. Problem. If two people of the same sex want to get married it doesn't taint my marriage one bit. In-fact, by their own logic, it probably keeps traditional marriage much more sanctified. Hello, Ted Haggard, anyone? Here's a concept: go live your life and try to be happy. Each day has enough problems of its own.

2. Stem-Cell research. You believe life begins at conception? Fine, I'll allow that because, well, who knows for sure? But if that's your position then you view IVF as a literal killing field right? (Somewhere, a big dog barked....) Why is there an outcry on positive research conducted on embryos doomed to die anyway? The bigger issue, I would imagine, would be the practice that creates the embryos in the first place. Get it right.

1. The 10 Commandments. Our behavior wasn't that great when the 10 Commandments were up in schools and other public places. Those praying for the Commandments to be put back up probably can't even list them off, al-la Lynn Westmoreland. Besides, since when does legislating religion equal spirituality anyway? That idea has to make Jesus cry.

Just for fun, Top 5 major problems fearfuls don't want to talk about...

5. The huge federal deceit
4. The average American being in debt
3. The simple fact that countries/people we used to be able to push around now have the means to make our lives miserable
2. Health care reform
1. Iraq: the growing sinkhole