Bush Botches Turkey Pardon

The President was scheduled to pardon a turkey today, an annual rite dating back to Abraham Lincoln. Instead, Bush brandished a knife and slit the bird's throat wide open. Reporters responded with a mild applause. As the turkey bled to death Bush declared "mission accomplished" and wiped the knife down with a towel.

"That's how we do things in West Texas," he explained, with a trademark smirk.

One reporter finally broke ranks and explained that the Turkey was supposed to be pardoned.

Bush admitted he hadn't reviewed the plan ahead of time. "Who ever heard of pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving?" he reasoned. "Thanksgiving is about killing and eating turkeys....and being thankful."

In other news, due to increased consumer demand retailers are fearing a toy shortage this Christmas in what could be one of the biggest threats to child happiness since the great North Pole snowstorm of 1908. Chinese toy factories have also experienced labor shortages as workers abandon their jobs for better-paying positions at higher-tech manufacturing companies.

The Chinese government has taken swift action, rounding up deviants and the homeless to toil in their massive toy factories which will belch out toys 24/7 in an attempt to make all the giggle-me Elmo dolls and Disney products necessary for good little boys and girls from the West.

"We will do everything possible," Ming Cho Ling, Chinese Prime Chancellor of Production and Labor Relations said in a statement. "When a worker falls, another will rise up to take his place. The one who falls will be swept aside, down massive metal drains, never to be seen again, so his failure will not infect the other workers. We promise to rise to meet Western demand. We wish to see no American children cry on Jesus day."

Earlier today a man was mangled at the Peking Giggle-me Elmo factory when he collapsed from fatigue and was swept away on conveyor belt. Another rose to take his place.